Power Rankings

1) http://rainypete.blogspot.com/ Because I like the funny dancing stick man
2) oh crap...this is way too much effort for right now. Mabe later.

Blog Power Rankings

I think I am going to start a top 20 blog list. Once every 2 weeks I will update it and shuffle things around based on irrational commentary...kind of like espn.com's Power Rankings. I am hoping this will generate all kinds of hate mail when people have their blog's moved down a notch for no good reason.

Sorry this is all I have for a post today. Blogger ate my other post when it realized that, just this once, I didn't write it in Word first. It just knew. So sensing the lack of a backup, Blogger ate the whole post. Couldn't even share just a little bit of it with the rest of us. Stupid Blogger.

Double Down

Currently, the hotel room that I am living in has two double beds instead of a king. Initially this made me very angry, not Lou Ferrigno angry but definitely irritated (Lou Ferrigno is my new favorite reference).

[Actually, everything right now is tending to make me angry. That is what happens when, even after work, you can’t even escape the decisions of your boss who has confused himself with one of the world’s great dictators. Of course, that is giving him too much credit. Even Hitler had some positive traits. He was very charismatic you know. My boss is not inspiring in the least, unless of course you count inspiring someone to inflate to five times their original size and turn all green and veiny. It hasn’t happened yet but I have certainly gotten in some good workouts at the gym.]

Where was I? Oh yeah, the double beds. It turns out that the double beds are quite handy. A double bed is big enough for one person to sleep in so, right off the bat, I can’t really complain about not getting a good nights sleep. Beyond that, I have realized that with a double bed I can eat cookies in one bed while watching TV and then, when it is time, actually go to sleep in the other bed. As an added bonus, the second double bed makes a great workspace. I can have both laptops open, papers spread everywhere and when it is time for bed I can just leave them there. The desks in these hotel rooms don’t provide anywhere near as much workspace as a double bed. As a matter of fact, I am currently sitting on my work double bed while my sleeping double bed is waiting patiently with nice clean sheets and without crumbs, papers and other miscellaneous crap. I would even go so far as to say that someone should start selling actual work beds. They could be specially designed to accommodate papers, laptops and other office equipment and they could come with a headboard that comes with better lumbar support than the one upon which I am currently leaning. It could revolutionize the home office.

Given the fact that this headboard does not have adequate lumbar support, I am going to stop working/writing now. Instead I am going to go find some milk and cookies and get crumbs all over; try not to be jealous.

Update: The above aside is in no way meant to imply that I like Hitler. I do not. You may however, if you so choose, infer that my boss is worse than Hitler. Thankyou and have a nice day.

Question of the Day

You are walking into a crowded movie theater and somehow end up tripping down the stairs. Once you eventually hit the bottom do you

A) Leave the theater mortified and go watch another movie
B) Slink into the nearest seat and try not to make eye contact with anyone
C) Stand up and pretend like nothing happened.
D) Laugh it off and take a seat
E) Smile/Laugh, take a deep bow and find your seat.
F) Run back up to the top of the stairs and do it again...this time with a half twist at the bottom.
G) Other: ??

A Night w/ the Indians

No. Not that kind of Indian. The other kind. On Saturday night I went to the Mohegan Sun Casino with a rather charming and cute girl. We had dinner at the Michael Jordan Steakhouse, drank some drinks, and slotted some slots. While slotting the slots I somehow ended up with a 300% gain. I wasn't even really paying much attention to the slots that I had been slotting, it just kind of happened. I have decided to take this as a sign that my yin and my yang have decided to quit being pricks. Of course, I was only playing quarter slots and I only started w/ $10 in the machine so its not like I made all that much money. But, winning is winning and it was more fun than losing...as is usually the case. Besides, its not like it makes up for the $1000 dollars that I gave Chief Runs With Money at the beginning of the Summer (before you go and get all judgemental on me, I am still up ~$1500 over the last 3 years. So you can put that in your peace pipe and smoke it Chief). Moving on...

The drinks that we drank were drunk in a planetariun that gave a very strong feeling of being outside underneath the stars. While enjoying the experience of being outside-in, those drinks that we drank gave a very strong feeling of being drunk (not really, we only had a couple). On a scale of 1 to 10 I have to give the concept of a bar in a planetarium an A+. There was more to the evening than this but now it is time to get dinner and go to the gym so that I can look like Lou Ferrigno.

More later,

Big Little Brain

What the ????

Since the end of August I have managed to post something everyday (Ok, so yesterday’s post was weak…so sorry). Today I have nothing but I feel obligated to keep the streak alive. As such I am going to make you read this drivel. It’s kind of funny actually. You are currently reading this and right about now you are getting the sneaking suspicion that you should probably stop reading because this post is going to be a bunch of crap and a waste of your time. Yet for some reason, here you are still reading this crap in hopes that I might actually write something funny. Well, to be honest, I am hoping that as this paragraph limps along something funny might magically pop off of the keyboard. Unfortunately all I can think about is yesterday’s lack of a post and oobleck.

Poor Bartholomew. He probably did go blind.

The Blindness Prevention Program...its all a bunch of crap.

I can't actually write this post. As much as I want to, I have relatives that read this. All I can say is, it would have been DAMN funny. Perhaps I will have to find some random blog and leave it in the commentary section.

Damn You Tequila Pig!

WANTED: Tequila Pig

Dead or Alive

$10.00 Reward

This fugitive is wanted for aiding and abetting in the thievery of my voice.

Although the tequila pig may at first seem like a good idea, on further reflection ("further reflection" usually takes place the next morning...way too late) this notion will be discarded. Not only does it steal voices but it is rumored to have killed thousands of those brain thingies. I myself have not seen any of those thingies killed but I would sure hate for it to happen to me and stuff. So if you see the tequila pig, be very cautious. Despite his rather pleasant demeanor, he is both a killer and a thief.

NOTE: This is what he looks like around 2 AM.

Do not be fooled by this clever disguise.

Last seen on August 29, 2005

And Today is "Shut Your Pie Hole Day"

“Talk Like a Pirate Day” was rather frustrating. Of all days for me to lose my voice (again) why did it have to be on “Talk Like a Pirate Day?” OK, sure it was fun to write a post in pirate-ese but I would have much rather been able to SAY, “Get the bilgewater out of your ears you addled blaggard and move yer scuttlebutt out of me way” than write it. Writing it just isn’t the same.

To be perfectly honest, my voice has actually been shot for the past couple of days and I am starting to think that I may have done permanent damage to it during my 2 week birthday celebration. Given my current predicament I have decided to follow up “Talk Like a Pirate Day” w/ “Shut Your Pie Hole Day.” To celebrate “Shut Your Pie Hole Day” I will be keeping my flap trap shut all day. Everyone else can help celebrate this holiday by not asking me any questions that require an answer outside of a head nod or a thumbs up/thumbs down. If you want to shut your pie holes as well, that’s fine by me…especially if you are dumb. If you are not dumb and need to talk to me, I will be available tomorrow. On the other hand, if you are cute and a girl I can always put todays holiday on hold.

Arrrrrr! Its Talk Like a Pirate Day...For Real.

Shiver me timbers, it’s "Talk Like a Pirate Day" me maties. On this here fine day of swabbing and stabbing, me bilge-sucking Cap’n, a rather rum fellow, ran me down for a few pieces of eight. This’ll not be the first time the Cap’n has been the tyrant. If you ask me, the addled blaggard’s ship has run afoul and there is soon to be scurvy aboard. But I’ve been to the crow’s nest and I see land. I will leave the mutiny to the rats that don’t jump. There be new shorelines to pillage and I will find them in my jolly boat rather than stick around the bilgewater of this poxed ship. So, the Cap’n can have his pieces of eight and I will fend for me self elsewhere. Perhaps one day he will figure out how to get the mizzen mast out of his poop deck.

Detente

Dear "Prank Victim",
I wasn't feeling so good today so I decided to go back to the hotel room. If you need me, thats where I will be. Hope your day has gone well.
Sincerely,
Your Back Right Tire

P.S. Tell the donut I said hi.

--------------------------------------------

IF I had been interested in escalating the pranks (see yesterdays post), this is the note that would have been left under the windshield wiper of my friends car. Sure it would have been a little bit of effort to jack up his car, remove the tire, drive the tire to his hotel and lean it against his door. On the other hand, it would have been damn funny.

However, I have decided to follow a policy of detente. I am just not feeling motivated enough to deal w/ any sort of retaliation. Too bad really. It might have made for some interesting posts.

String Beans Are Highly Overrated

Everybody is familiar with the concept of escalating violence. First some punk in a bar makes a stupid comment about sheep. Then some idiot defends the sheeps honor by throwing a punch. Next, the punk breaks a bottle over the idiots head. Soon after, the gang of sheep outside of the pub gets pissed and tramples the punk. Next thing you know all of the sheep are shorn, the sheperd has a cap popped in his ass, "BANG" and the nuclear fallout makes growing string beans rather difficult. It's all quite tragic.


Well, the same concept applies to practical jokes. I forget who started it. It could have been me (I do stuff like that), it could have been my friend, it could have been the IRA. Im not really sure. The point is, it escalated. Initially, the pranks were harmless. Parking so close that the other person couldn't get into their car for example. The problem is, it didn't stop there. Other stuff happened and, bada-bing bada-boom, the sheep got pissed. Next thing you know I am walking out to the parking lot and there are hamburger patties plastered all over my windshield (ok, there were just two...but it sounds way less dramatic after admitting that fact). It was rather amusing actually. But now the ball is in my court. The question is, how much do I care about string beans?

A Room w/ a View. A Crappy View.

Im staying in Nashville this weekend. Since there is a Titans home game this weekend, rooms were limited. Fortunately I did get a room at the Marriott Courtyard. Un-fortunately, this is the view from the room.

What a boring start for a post. I should be writing about the hamburger patties that were plastered on my windshield this morning. Too late now.

Well, don't worry. Given that it is a Friday night and that I am in Nashville, tomorrow will almost definitely have a post that sucks far less than this one. Please note that I am not commiting to it actually being good, just better than this one. That being said (written, whatever), in order to set the bar really low, I am done.

Buggering off,

JPR

Something Wicked This Way Comes, Part II

The title of yesterdays post was the inspiration for todays post. Getting right to the point, this post is about brussel sprouts, the most vile and evil vegetable available in your local grocery store. The brussel sprout is the horse pill of the vegetable world. Its just a little ball of bitterness that, although good for you, is most unpleasant to swallow...chewed or otherwise. Believe me, I tried any number of ways to get those little green bastards off of my plate when I was younger. And this brings us to the meat of this post (ironic given that this post is about vegetables).

JPR's favorite ways to get rid of brussel sprouts:

Wait, hold the train! I just remembered...I actually hated lima beans; not brussel sprouts (although brussel sprouts aren't exactly good). Brussel sprouts aren't good but I could actually choke those down. Lima beans on the other hand, in addition to tasting bad, they also have a dryness that makes them even harder to eat. The dry pasty texture that makes up the guts of the lima bean is the stuff nightmares are made of (ack, there's a preposition at the end of my sentence).
SOOooo...what I meant to say was,

JPR's favorite ways to get rid of lima beans:
1) The napkin...parents caught onto this one quickly.
2) Then came the "I have to go to the bathroom" ploy. Before excusing myself, the trick was to shove as many lima beans in my mouth as possible so that they could be deposited in the toilet. The parents also caught onto this manuever rather quickly.
3) Then came stuffing the pockets...this was just unpleasant.
4) Other times I sat at the table for hours on end refusing to eat even one...also unpleasant.
5) Finally I hit upon the best way to get rid of lima beans. My parents knew that I liked milk so I guess they never checked out the glass. I realized that if I had an opaque glass (I probably realized this with a word other than opaque. Its more likely that I just looked for a ceramic or plastic glass without ever thinking the word opaque) and drank half of my milk, that left plenty of room to hide any disgusting lima beans beneath the milky white cover of my...uh, milk.

And that, my friends, is all for today.

Something Wicked This Way Comes...Oh Wait, Thats Just Fried Okra.

I have decided that Tennessee’s official state restaurant is The Cracker Barrel. It would not be an understatement to say that there is a Cracker Barrel at every single exit. It’s even more pervasive than McDonalds. I was noticing this today as I drove into work. At exit 78, there’s a Cracker Barrel. Exit 81, look, it’s a Cracker Barrel. Exit 89….sweet jebus, it’s another Cracker Barrel. I could keep going but I think you would probably just stop reading around exit 104. There are so many Cracker Barrels in Tennessee, if a horde of locust was to swarm the state, they wouldn’t make it 10 miles before they were filled up on corn bread, turnip greens and gravy…assuming of course they could get seats. Not only is there a Cracker Barrel at every exit, each and every one is always full. Do people in Tennessee eat anything other than Cracker Barrel?
To further underscore this point I give you the following anecdote. My aunt was in the area on business and we were able to hang out for a few days. In an effort to find decent food she went to the front desk and asked the concierge (also the desk clerk and bell hop) for the names of the best restaurants in town. In response to my aunts quest for fine dining, the girl at the desk gave 3 choices one of which was, you guessed it, The Cracker Barrel. Now, I have been to a number of Cracker Barrels and, while I do like the food, it really shouldn’t be considered in the “Best Fine Dining” list. “Best Place for a Heart Attack,” maybe; maybe even “Best Place to Become a Lard Ass” but certainly not “Best Fine Dining.”
Don’t get me wrong, I like eating at the Cracker Barrel on occasion. I just get ornery when it’s my number 1, 2 and 3 choice for places to eat. And with that, I’m off to get dinner…at the Cracker Barrel.

Tomorrow’s post: Is Tennessee Cheating on The Cracker Barrel w/ The Waffle House?

OK, I May Have Been Wrong...Just This Once.

I take it all back. Upon hearing more of what Roberts had to say its not so bad. The only problem is, with no Supreme Court evil agenda what am I going to write about now? I guess I will have to do something stupid.

What Do You Mean No Porn!

I was watching the confirmation hearings for Judge John Roberts today because I am a nerd and I do stuff like that (actually, I was still in bed in my hotel room, sans remote, and I wasn’t ready to get up). For the most part I thought he was a great candidate. I sat there listening as he hit question after question out of the ball park. OK. So he really didn’t answer much directly but in his position I would have answered a lot of the questions the same way.
I really couldn’t believe that Emperor Bush nominated this guy (not that I am pro Democrat…I just think Bush is heavy handed). I thought for sure Bush would have made an attempt to impose his conservative values on everyone else. At first this seemed like it was not the case but then my expectations were met. Here's how it went down.

Initially, most of the senators seemed to be focusing on things that would indicate his views on abortion. Roberts said nothing to suggest that he would do anything to go against previous rulings. Then came the privacy issue (as it applies to things such as the Patriot Act and abortion). His answers to these questions suggested that he believes the Constitution strongly infers the right to privacy. So far so good (I could have fleshed this paragraph out a lot more but who really wants to get into the details of a stupid confirmation hearing).
And then it came. The answer that made me realize Bush’s evil plan. When asked about freedom of speech Roberts started off by making the statement that the Constitution protects political expressions. He then went on to say that it does not protect pornographic expressions. NO PORN!!!! The bastard. Bush is going after our Playboys!
OK, the real point here is who is going to start drawing the line between art and porn? Tipper is jumping for joy and Larry is cursing like a sailor. OK. So he always curses like a sailor. The point is, he has got to be pissed. Are the firemen from Fahrenheit 451 going to come and start burning our Playboys? Is Tipper finally going to get rid of Ted Nugent? I don’t know folks. This makes me nervous.

Stay tuned for the next episode when Bush has the Guggenheim torched.
Disclaimer: I want to hear more of what Roberts has to say. I might be a little premature on this but I needed something to write about.

Snails Should Ooze, Not People.

OK. Maybe I’m a little high strung at times. Maybe I go around in too much of hurry. However, even after making these concessions, there is no way anybody can defend how ridiculously slow some people can be when you get out in the Southern Sticks. I know that I can be impatient so when I am behind Agnes in the WAL MART Express Lane I try not to get upset when she tries to pay for her entire basket of groceries w/ nothing but change. I even manage to take a cab to my happy place when she insists on bagging her own groceries while recounting tales of her new stupid ass dog. But when she continues to hold up the line when she should be moving toward the door…my happy place starts to get a little warm. I mean, come on woman! Im freaking hungry and I need to get food. Get the hell out of the way! Do I actually say this? No, of course not. But surely Agnes can see the steam coming out of my @#$%#!$!! ears. Take a hint woman…LEAVE.

If that had been the first time, I might not have gotten so steamed. The thing is, every other time I get in a line in this town there is inevitably somebody just oozing along at the speed of snail splooge. So, if you are prone to oozing, please consider the following. If you want to mosey along, fine. I like to mosey sometimes too. But if there are people behind you, please realize that they might not want to waste the next ten minutes waiting on you to count change. At the very least, lay off the pennies. WAL MART likes quarters too you know.

time for a new banner?

I don't know if I will keep this banner up but for right now it amuses me

3 Blades Good, 1 Blade Bad

Writing a post everyday is a lot of work. I’m not sure what made me think I was that motivated. On the one hand, it’s cool to see that I am getting a lot more readers but, on the other hand, I am really not clever enough to come up with a new post everyday. It’s too much pressure. I can’t be funny on demand people [Insert your own joke here about me not being funny at all]. All that being said, today’s post is about shaving. Shaving you say? What could possibly be amusing about shaving? Well Curious George, let me tell you.

As it turns out, the type of razor that you use is very important when shaving. I know this because, having forgotten all of my toiletries in CT, I had to purchase temporary razors in TN. the results were not pretty.

As I was standing there in the aisle looking at disposable razors, you think that I would have gone ahead and purchased the nice triple bladed razors with the silky smooth lubricating strip that does not leave divots in your face. Seeing as how I am on expenses and typically drop money like I have a money tree up my @$$, you would think that in this case I would spring for those fancy disposable razors. Nope. If that’s what you thought, you thought wrong my friend. You see, I didn’t realize that a single blade disposable razor could be that bad. I figured, it’s just for the week, just get the cheap one. So, rather than spending a couple of extra bucks I ended up bringing home (home?) the single blade flesh-o-matic chunk stick. It most definitely does not have the silky smooth lubricating strip. Anyways, I shaved with it for the first time the other day and, let me tell you, it didn't feel good. By the time I finished shaving, it looked like someone with tuberculosis had spent the last 5 minutes coughing on my face. It wasn’t pleasant. So let this be a lesson to each and every one of you, when dealing with razors always buy the nice ones. Oh yeah, and NEVER shave side to side.

Hey Lenina, Pass the Soma Please.

Don't bother reading this...its a waste of time.

Before I get into this, I do want to issue a disclaimer. The New Orleans situation sucks and whatever the media can do to help is definitely gold star material. That being said, you can’t tell me that you don’t get tired of hearing the same crap all the time. Why does the media latch onto one thing at a time when there are always a multitude of other real issues out there? Take for example the whole Social Security thing. Is this no longer a major problem? Why was this front-page news for so long and then “POOF” not word one about it for months and months? Not that I want to get blasted with Social Security crap again but shouldn’t we be hearing at least a little blurb every once in a while?
Who decides what we see in the news? Why is it the same on every single station? Well, rather than just bitching, I have decided that I should be constructive and actually give some suggestions to improve the news. Go:

1) News channels love body counts. Save some time and just put a body count meter at the top left corner of the screen. It can be just like in video games; the kids will love it.
Katrina: ###
Iraq Today: ###
Iraq Total: ###
2) Since the programming seems to be brainless, lets replace the reporters with sock puppets…except Bill O’Reilly; he already fits right in. Don’t worry; I don’t like extremist liberals either. I just really don’t like Bill; he’s overflowing himself.
3) Take all the out of context sound bites and make catchy jingles out of them.
4) Make Jon Stewart the Lead Anchor. Actually, I might not be kidding on this one; at least he would be funny.

Well that’s enough for today. This post really isn’t all that amusing and I’m bored with it. If you have read this far I’m sorry.

Can You Hear Me Now? Did You Really Want To?

I hate not having service on my cell phone. So, it is lucky for me that the base that I am currently working on has ZERO service. As an added bonus, my cell phone doesn't work in the surrounding areas either. This makes communicating w/ friends difficult....above and beyond the fact that they never seem to pick up the phone when I am calling. We won't dwell on that though (Actually this is all a lie. I rarely call anyone; I hate phones...but I still want the option of making my short little phone calls when I want) . To make matters worse, on my birthday I completely lost my voice (obviously not my fault..just don't look at the b-day pics posted previously) and now I have a ton of phone calls that I need to return because I didn't pick up the phone for ~2 days. In an effort to re-establish communications I have considered the following options:

1) Smoke Signals: This is a time tested manner of communicating but the long distance rates are hell. Wood isn't cheap you know.

2) The Pony Express: They went out of business more than a century ago; who knew?

3) Landline: This seems plausible in theory but you need a calling card for personal calls outside of the base...which I have of course left in CT. I suppose I could buy a calling card at Wal Mart or something but that doesn't help me right now.

4) Lets face it, we all know that I don't have the attention span to come up with a fourth option.

SOOOooooo, short story long (at least longer than it needs to be) I will be hard to reach when I am working. That is all.

And the Lemming Says Oink

I have had many people ask me if this blog has a pig theme. The follow up question is always, "With a name like lemming fodder, why are there so many pigs?" I am getting really tired of this line of questioning so I will put a stop to it right now. The fact of the matter is, I always got confused when singing "Old MacDonald had a Farm." Up until a week ago I thought lemmings were pink and liked slop. I had no idea that the pig says "oink" and that the lemming goes "splat." Of course, since I have now been educated, all future pictures will be of actual lemmings. Either that, or I will change the title of the blog to "And the Pig Says Oink."

Actually, screw all of that. Its my blog. It will stay lemming fodder and the mascot will be a pig...that runs off cliffs. There. Are you happy now?

I’m Not Really an Idiot But I Play One in Real Life

Rather than leaving my current job and getting a new one that actually uses my MBA, I have been considering a new alternative. I am considering quitting my current job and entering The Amazing Race. Lets say I have an automatic in…which may or may not be true. As cool as it would be to travel all over the world performing a bunch of completely staged and ridiculous tasks (actually, it might be fun regardless of the completely staged and ridiculous tasks…if nothing else it would provide plenty to laugh at) I would have to be very wary of two things.

First, do I really want to be recognizable to complete strangers? Not that I would be. It’s more likely that I would get lost in the first leg of the race and leave the show long before anyone even started watching it.

Second, I would most likely end up looking like a complete idiot. The editors would have a field day with me. At least in real life I am able to balance the idiocy with some semblance of cleverness and the occasional stroke of…well, not genius, above average intelligence perhaps? By the time the editors were done, I would just be the guy who can’t keep left and right straight. Hell, sometimes I can’t keep straight straight. Hmmm, that didn’t sound good. I would like to clarify that I meant straight directionally speaking and directionally speaking ONLY. Anyways, moving on from that awkward moment…I really should just delete all of that but where is the fun in that? Today’s post is supposed to be a free flow stream of consciousness…the editor is out to lunch. Actually, the editor is usually out to lunch. That’s the root cause of about half of my idiocy. The other half comes from having no attention span. Actually, I can have an attention span…its just very selective. What was I talking about?

Rule of thumb, when you get lost, start a new paragraph. I really have no idea what I was talking about. I guess my point is, do I really want to televise my occasional retardedness on TV? I wonder what kind of money they get? Would they feed me regularly? More on this later.

Brief Update for Anybody Who Cares

Point #1 Went to NYC yesterday....for those in the know, it went well.
Point #2 For those not in the know, NYC rocks regardless. If nothing else, its just cool to drive around the city on a Sunday in a convertible, especially when its 74 deg and sunny.
Point #3 Going to Tennessee tomorrow
Point #4 Tennessee is NOT New York.

Insert something funny here. Im not quite motivated enough. Actually, better idea. If you are looking for a chuckle, visit Could Be Worse (it is also on my side bar).

A Snippet of Idiocy, No Alcohol Required.

Booked a reservation at a nice restaurant last night. Here is a snippet of the conversation:

Host: May I have your last name sir?
Me: Rhodes, R-H-O-D-E-S
Host: Like the scholar?
Me: uh....well...
[crickets]
Host: So more like the island then?
Me: Yeah, more like the island.

Remember when this blog was anonymous? Oh well.