How to Turn 30 with Style

The other night I attended the party of a friend who was turning 30. Over the course of 3 hours I experienced some of the best party fouls ever. I’m not just talking spilled beer here. I’m talking full-fledged brain cell annihilation with out of control shenanigans.

For starters, when I showed up, the birthday boy was already a little wobbly. As I stuck around, his condition only got better (from an amusement point of view I mean). You remember weebles? You know, “They weeble and they wobble but they don’t fall down.” Well, whether you remember weebles or not, I can assure you my friend is NOT a weeble. He is not even the second cousin, five times removed, of a weeble. No sir, the birthday boy, although good at the weebling and the wobbling, was most definitely a faller-downer. And not only was he a faller-downer but he did it with style.

Picture a big glass window. Now picture those bird silhouettes that they put on them so that the birds don’t fly smack right into the big glass windows. Next, take away that bird silhouette and picture what happens as that bird flies “BLAMMO!” right into the window. Pretty funny huh? (assuming of course that the bird isn’t hurt…I don’t want PETA boycotting this site. I could lose my entire fan base…of 2 people)

OK. Now make the glass window a screen door and make the bird the birthday boy. It was just like in the cartoons when Daffy Duck goes running through a wall...only funny. Below is the B-day boy passed out some time later with the remainder of the screen door. Somebody please remind me to leave the state when I turn 30 in August.

Will write more later... (full contact beer pong)

The Pro's and Con's of Going Topless

Convertibles are pretty cool. On a nice day you can cruise around and absorb the day in its entirety. There is no pesky roof to get in the way and, even in CT, everything seems just fine. That is until you take off your shirt and you have someone else’s arms.

I can only imagine what it must have been like for Frankenstein. I mean, holy crap! You take a look in the mirror and your arms don’t match your torso. Who the hell do these arms belong to? Did some crazy ass Brazilian drug me and swap out my arms. Do I have to go to the doctor and make sure that I have all of my organs? I don’t remember waking up in a bathtub of ice. But then, who knows what crazy new Brazilian technologies those sneaky Brazilians are developing down there…in Brazil.

I have to say though, whoever swapped out my arms did a pretty good job. You can’t even see a scar where the overly tan arm abruptly turns into a pasty white shoulder. Surgery without scarring, the South Florida folk are going to love it. Now we just have to find out how those crazy Brazilians are doing it…at the very least so that I can get my arms back. Hmmm…or maybe I could just get a matching torso, preferably one that can bench press about 265.

On another note, how do girls feel about guys that are two toned? I mean, it could be the next big thing, kind of like the racing stripes on some cars…only not at all the same. These things are important; I really need to know.
Well, I don’t have time to write any more. I have to go find my arms.

Not Quite Good Enough to Finish Lance Armstrong Style.

Today was a good day. I slept in, had a long lunch with the cute librarian and then played golf all afternoon. The golf was rather amusing. I had not actually swung a club in many many months so I didn't have high hopes for the afternoons outing. Due to this fact, we decided that the winner of each hole would be the one who played less sucky. The least sucky player after 9 holes would then be declared the winner. I have to say, playing golf this way is a lot less frustrating.

After the first 6 wholes I had played less sucky on 3 and my friend had played less sucky on the other 3. Going into the 7th hole, it was a close race. This was (you had to see something like this coming) before his golf ball went all Wizard of Oz on him. Off of the tee, his ball landed square on the golf path and followed it a good 30 yards. After the drop and his second shot, his ball proceeded to bounce off of a tree, land on the golf path and then follow it yet another 30, 40 yards. Now, this by itself is pretty damn funny but it didn't stop here. The next shot again seemed afraid of leaving the path. I could almost hear the munchkins chanting in the background, "Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road." Meanwhile, across in the woods I was getting nervous. I fully expected the winged monkeys to come and take me away. And, although I do like the ladies, that cackling witch isn't really my cup of tea.

Fortunately, no winged monkeys came and we managed to finish all 9 holes. Given the lunch date w/ the librarian, the golf outing and the complete lack of monkeys flinging poo from the sky, I have to say that today was a good day.

The "We Missed the Wedding" Party

The cast of characters this weekend included 1 rather large pirate (no parrot), a debatably insane supervillain bearing a strong resemblance to Jim Henson's Grover, several lushes, one definitely insane girl, several violent lushes, Mr. Roboto, a hot librarian, one really drunk guy who made out with one really hideous girl, Mr. Clean, Colonel Sanders (a younger much cooler version and without the white suit), Benny Hinn (the crazy faith healer) and a partridge in my #!&%*? pear tree (metaphorically speaking of course). Many of the above characters were in town for a wedding that was to take place at 10 AM on Saturday morning. 10 AM...right.

On Friday night, one of the funnier violent lushes and the rather large pirate decided that it would be a good idea to finish a full bottle of Grape Mad Dog 20/20...the big bottle. They succeeded and hilarity ensued.

I can't honestly tell you exactly what happened after that. I do recall the bartender putting a case of Schlitz on ice just for us. I might also recall seeing my vocal cords spattered all over the bar after a rousing version of White Wedding by Billy Idol. I might also recall meeting a hot librarian somewhere along the way. I definitely recall waking up on Saturday at 11:30 AM...fortunately, since I was not invited to the wedding in question, I was also not late. This was not true for others in the group...we wont name names (actually I never name names in this blog so it really doesn't matter).

On Saturday night, the group grew. Again, I am not going to write about the entire night in all of its glory but I will tell you that the rather large pirate did the robot dance on a bar stool to everybody's favorite song, Mr. Roboto. I will also tell you that Benny Hinn left some rather large bruises on the foreheads of the less fortunate. If they couldn't walk before, they definitely couldn't now. Fortunately, Benny was able to heal my vocal cords from the night before. This allowed for an instant replay of the previous night....ouch.

That brings us to Sunday. The summary: a good lunch with the alter ego's of all the aforementioned crazy people and a good date with the librarian.

THE END

COX Sucks!

COX Cable has finally fixed the connection at my current place of residence. This means more mediocre posts just for you. It also means that I am more likely to get lucky and actually post something funny or entertaining...no promises.

I imagine that I will have some good posts tonight given the craziness that took place this weekend. That is, of course, unless I get distracted by my very own hot librarian (No relation to www.thehotlibrarian.blogspot.com ...sorry THL).

Until then,
have a nice day.

60 Steps; Seems Like Way Too Much Work.

They have 12 step programs for alcoholics
They have 12 step programs for drug users
They have 12 step programs for gluttons (wait, is weight watchers a 12 step program?)
They have 12 step programs for sex addicts
What I really want to know is, do they have a 12 step program for idiots?

This is really important. I need to know. I am already in need of several 12 step programs. I figure that, while I am at it, I may as well add another 12. Hello, my name is J P R and I am an idiot.

I am at a stoplight. 50 feet past the intersection is another stoplight. As I am talking to friends, I see the light turn green and step on the gas. What is wrong with this you ask? The light in front of me was still red....oops.
I am going down the road, talking to a friend. I stop at the traffic light and receive looks of confusion from my friend. It turns out that stopping at a green light is not proper driving etiquette.
In a conversation that I am having rather emphatically, I slap my hand down on the table while making a point. Unfortunately everybody promptly forgot what I was saying because my finger hit the tines of a fork and sent it flying, spinning through the air just milimeters from my left eyeball.
I frequently lose days of the week.
I was off a whole day for 3 days last week. I have also lost an entire month.

Which brings me to today. I am looking for an idiot recovery program and I need a sponsor. If you would like to be my IA sponsor, please let me know. I would be most grateful.


Funny sidenote:
I had a friend describe my head perfectly. On a digital readout, I might have an IQ of 163 but the 1 flickers on and off....a lot.

This Will Give You a New Appreciation for Evolution/God/Whatever Floats Your Boat.

This stick figure thing is cool.
www.sodaplay.com

Be forewarned though. It can be very frustrating at first. Everything has to be just right in order to make everything actually move in a forward direction.

Rainbow Bright...not just a cartoon anymore.

Rainbow Brights are evil. E-V-I-L, evil. There you are, sitting at the bar with some friends just trying to have some fun and socialize a little bit. The next thing you know you are chugging Rainbow Brights with some girls just because they are cute. The thing is, each one goes down sooooo easily. Its like fruit punch.

"What exactly is a Rainbow Bright," you ask? Well, since I am such a nice guy I will tell you. It is one shot glass with all of the flavored vodkas (no peppar) and then dropped into a half glass of red bull. After dropping, the proper method of consumption is chugging. Sipping it is frowned upon. But it really does taste like fruit juice and chugging it is not at all unpleasant. You almost feel healthy after drinking it...thats just the red bull kicking in though; if you wait about 8 hours then you will definitely know otherwise. Since they go down so easy and cute girls seem to like them so much, Rainbow Brights tend to come in waves. They are kind of like Lays potato chips, you can't have just one. You might think you can have just one but there is inevitably someone there with another. My advice, DONT START.

Fortunately, in a lot of cases, the name makes not starting really easy. I mean really, can you imagine walking into a biker bar and ordering a Rainbow Bright? I think thats a good way to get beat up by the guy who is wearing the leather XXL MURDERCYCLES jacket. OK, so the biker bar is a little extreme. Who would be dumb enough to go in there in the first place? Certainly not me...ok, maybe me. But not most people. The point is, unless you are surrounded by cute girls OR you are 6-8 and 250 pounds with a pirate beard, ordering a drink called the Rainbow Bright can raise some questions.

So that brings me to right now, sitting on the couch cursing those girls for being too #$^%#% cute. Was it fun last night? Yes. Fun now? Definitely not. This just serves as a reminder that drinking too much vodka is bad. Its really not something that you want to do on a normal basis. Occasionally, yes. Frequently, no. That is why, from now on, I will drink nothing but rum.

Back in Blog and Jerry Hall = Gross

Writing a test plan that is 80 pages long is distinctly not fun. However, it is now done and I am back on the blogging bandwagon. Time for all the fans to celebrate. Hell, I will even cover the drinks....the bill shouldn't be more than $12.

Anyways, I am in CT and w/ the nice weather it has not been so bad. I may even enjoy myself for the next couple of months. I will have friends coming to visit on several of the upcoming weekends and soon after that I will be flying to Orlando to party down with my great aunt and the family for her 75th B-day. Good stuff. OK, that should get everybody up to date. Now for the important matters on the agenda:
#1 Jerry Hall disgusts me. In my previous post I made reference to winning on Kept. This was well before I saw 5 minutes of the actual show. I don't think I could hang out with someone that superficial...especially if they aren't hot* (and Jerry is about 2,562 cigarettes past being hot). If I had to compete on the show I would lose in the first 5 minutes for the following:
1) sarcastic comments at her expense.
2) telling her to stop smoking around me (I can tolerate nice people smoking to a point...otherwise go away).
3) asking her what its like to turn 60.
4) dropping the f'bomb repeatedly because I am a parrot and currently work with a plethera of mechanics and crazy people.
5) telling her that she would make a fantastic supervillain...actually, Im not sure about this one. She might actually be a supervillain.

OK, this is all very harsh for someone that I don't really know but, when you start a show like Kept, what do you expect.

*Just in case somebody doesn't see the humor in this statement, let me spell it out: the "especially if they aren't hot" comment would make me just as superficial and was written tongue in cheek for a joke. I am not really that superficial (although don't get me wrong, if you are a cute girl and want a date, feel free to let me know)

#2 Well, Im actually too lazy to write a #2 item on the agenda. It will have to wait for another day.

Im out.