All Work and No Play Makes JPR a Dull Boy

After going too long with all work and no play, at some point you just have to say enough is enough (cliche alert) and go out to have fun, work be damned. Now before you start nodding your head in agreement, keep this in mind...I do dumb things. The whole work hard, play hard concept is a great concept right up until you get to the work part of it. Then it all falls apart.
Segue to jpr's idiocy
Here is the short version:
- JPR goes out for 3 drinks with a friend, Mr T.
- JPR has to work a 12 hr shift in the morning
- Mr T has to catch an early flight
- Bar + too much fun
- Microwave Pizza at 5 AM
- Pre-arranged phone call to JPR: "Wake up, we are going to start running in 45 minutes"
- JPR, "%$?$#! bastards"
- JPR, calls Mr T to leave a message like "Enjoy the hangover on your flight dumbass"
- Mr T picks up the phone
- JPR says, "Aren't you supposed to be on a plane right now?"
- Mr T says, "Uh, yeah"
- JPR points and laughs and then goes to work where he is miserable for the next 13 hours.

I would give you more details but, to be perfectly honest, I can't. As for Mr T, don't worry. He was able to jump on a later flight and catch his Barry Manilow concert in California with plenty of time to spare.

Screw It, Its a Rental

Places not to Park #6: Place with signs that say "Tank Demonstration"

It turns out that rental cars and I do not get along. All sorts of bad things always seem to happen to my rental cars. It's probably my fault but the beauty of a rental car is that I really don't have to admit this. Here is how it works:

Step 1) Pick up rental car

Step 2) Drive away in rental car and look forward to a good time.

Step 3) Do something with the rental that you know you shouldn't ...but screw it, its a rental.

Step 4) Curse profusely when something bad happens and you have to deal with it.

Step 5) Blame anything else for the problem

Step 6) Get over it and ask another girl out.

For the record, its not my fault AVIS doesn't have any good cars. Plus, Im not ready for a monthly payment.

Moving on, here is a list of 5 places not to park your car:

1) A handicap space at a police station

2) In front of a fire hydrant at a towing company

3) Connecticut

4) The traintracks

5) Behind a hole in the wall in downtown Lake Worth

I usually do not have a hard time with the above list. That is until the other night when I ignored rule 5 (I bet you didn't see that one coming). The thing is, as I mentioned above, its way too easy to neglect your rental car. I mean really, in the worst case scenario you have to fill out some paper work and go pick up a new car. Sounds easy right? HAAAA! It turns out that waiting for a cop to file a police report in Lake Worth is worse than a trip to the dentist.

Before I get ahead of myself, let me tell you what happened. While I was in the bar, one of the many fine, upstanding citizens of Lake Worth decided that a window of my car needed to be smashed. I am not sure what the window did to enrage this person but it must have been pretty rude. When I came out later the window was obviously regretting whatever it had done. Stupid window (again, since it's a rental I do not actually have to admit any fault. The window was obviously to blame). So, long story short, I waited forever to fill out a police report, waited forever for a new car and spent way too much time filling out paperwork.

The moral of this story: Screw it, its a rental.

The moral of that moral: jpr is very dense.

Tomorrows post: What Else Has Happened to JPR's Rental Cars?

Dissecting the Brain of JPR

I am beginning to think that half of my brain is some strange mix of obsessive compulsive, ADHD and freaking retarded. It only seems to operate if specific conditions are met and even then its a crap shoot. If those conditions are not met the stupid thing locks up like a deer in headlights (yes, this is in fact another cliché). Its not like I have to watch Judge Wapner every day at 3:00 and I definitely do not buy my underwear at K-Mart, BUT, I definitely do have a ton of pain in the ass quirks.

Problems with the brain of jpr:

- When I am trying to explain something I HAVE to have a pen or pencil in my hand. No pencil and I lose half of my brain cells to thinking about the fact that there is no pencil in my hand.

- When taking a test, lined paper is a must. No lined paper and the brain loses any capability for linear thought. If a cop asked my brain to walk a linear thought with no lined paper, my brain would end up in jail for public intoxication (did that make any sense at all?).

- When someone is giving me instructions verbally I tend to remember what they were wearing and what they looked like but not anything that they say. Things tend to go as follows: 99% of my brain --> "Look! Glasses, and a BLUE sweater...and check out that piece of lint on the left shoulder....cooool" The other 1% --> "For the love of god, turn on the ears!"

Things get really dicey when caffeine is added. If my brain gets ANY caffeine, it gets going way too fast and the wheels come off the track. Here is my written interpretation: idea.... ........idea.... ......idea....idea..idea.idea.ide..idea.ide.ai..dead. At this point 99% of my brain cells start drooling on themselves and the other 1% are bug-eyed and screaming, "For the love of god, why aren't you working!" Oh, and I should mention that half of the ideas aren't even that good to begin with.

Really, when it comes down to it, my brain cells are probably allocated as follows:

Brain cells focused on girls: 50%

Brain cells focused on food acquisition: 20%

Brain cells that just drool: 20%

Brain cells that buzz around like a hummingbird looking for sugar: 10%

Brain cells that can actually walk a straight line: 5%

Brain cells focused on Math: 1%

Brain cells that actually file tax returns on time: still hiring

So there you have it, thats my brain in a nutshell (and amazingly, it fits).

Monkey Toe Man Joins the X-Men

STOP MAKING FUN OF MY @#$*%!# TOES!

My entire life people have always had commentary about my toes. They are very long. I personally, have always been quite happy with my extremely functional, and in my opinion, charming, toes. If there is something on the ground to pick up, why bend over? I can just snag whatever it is with my toes. Hands full and you need to grab something you dropped? No problem if you have monkey toes. Need to pivot on the basketball court? Monkey toes are great for pivoting. I can pivot like a madman…look at me go; pivot, pivot, pivot! (too bad money toes do not help with an outside shot). Balance? Monkey toes are quite functional there as well. Now, as far as mutations go, I would much rather have gotten a cool giant red laser beam that shoots out of my eyeballs or maybe superhuman strength. People don’t make rude commentary if you have superhuman strength (at least not loudly).

Unfortunately, my special mutation is not even close to being worthy of super hero status. If I was a superhero, even Aquaman would make fun of me. That’s pretty low on the superhero totem pole. I mean come on, he talks to fish and is a good swimmer…whoopty freakin doo. As it is I already have people making all sorts of comments about my weird toes. I certainly don’t need Aquaman making fun of me. However, despite the rather insensitive commentary and despite getting jipped out of both the laser eyeballs and superhuman strength I am quite happy with my monkey toes. As far as I am concerned they’re not hairy and they are definitely functional. This is good enough for me. Besides, it could be worse; I could have gills

(I was going to start this post: “Long appendages seem to run in my family…” but then realized that this was going to take things WAY off track).

Put the Snot Nosed Little Brat on Rinse and Spin

This is what happens when kids stare at the spin cycle for too long.

Today I went to the laundromat for the first time in years. As it turns out, laundromats STILL suck. For starters, there were a ton of snot nosed little brats running around. In case you think that I have something against little kids I will also say that there were several kids who were just fine, I had nothing against them. The snot nosed little brats however needed to have ice cream sandwiches eaten in front of them. "MMMMMMM. This ice cream sandwich is Soooooo good. OH man am I full. I guess that I will just have to throw the rest away. Wow was that good."

If it was just the snot nosed little brats, things wouldn't have been so bad. But snot nosed little brats sticking their grubby little hands in my laundry, running around with laundry carts that I need and just generally being in the way...this sucks. At first it was getting on my nerves but I have to say, the ice cream sandwich was very calming. So I have an evil streak..sue me.

Why the laundromat you ask? I had about 5 loads of laundry to do before my plane took off for Florida. Since I only had 3 hours, the laundromat seemed like the way to go. I guess stuff like this happens when you procrastinate. But, since I am extraordinarily good at procrastinating, I have come to accept things like this...........hmmm....... Speaking of procrastination, today is April 16th. Can you guess what I just remembered NOT doing on time? I guess now is a good time to end this post.

 

Not Controls..still funny 

 

Uh...how many staples? 

Going Back to FL

Pic 1: Me in CT doing Run Program Checkout

Pic 2: Me back in FL this next week blowing up engines.

BOOYAH!

Apologies to THL for shamelessly stealing her link.

Still Not Lemonade But Working On It.

Things are starting to get in order here. It is looking like my short stay in CT wont totally suck.

TRANSPORTATION
I think that I may have a beat up jeep to drive for the next few months. I don't know how to drive a stickshift yet but I suppose I am about to figure it out. It can't be any worse than when I used to play video games...right? Wait. I think that I was horrible at the racing games. We will just forget about that for the moment. I figure an hour in the parking lot and I will be good to go.
SHELTER
As for a place to stay...this is a little less than desirable. I am currently staying at a friends place in a SINGLE bed. I am 6-5. Single beds are not made for people who are 6-5. Actually, I don't think single beds are made for anybody over the age of 18. I would have a lot more commentary here about the uselessness of a single bed but I know that I have relatives who read this blog. As such, I will move on.
FOOD
Even though I am not on expenses anymore I think I can manage. My base salary isn't really that crappy.

So that covers the basics. I can get by. With respect to future posts, I might be a while. Things have been pretty busy here and I haven't really had time for this blog (job hunt or blog...I have to go with job hunt). Maybe next week I will start posting again. And with any luck it might actually be about something amusing instead of all this CT crap.

Another CT Inspired Post

I am going to apologize in advance for the cranky undertones that will probably be apparent in my posts for the next couple of days. If you have read any of my posts concerning Connecticut you know why I am cranky.

I think that today I will list the pro’s and con’s of Connecticut. We will start with the con’s because they make me feel better.

Cons
1) 95% of the girls are either overweight or in Boston. For any girls in CT who might be reading this, don’t worry. I’m sure you are in that elusive 5%.

2) Every populated area in CT becomes a ghost town after 8:30 (AM or PM is debatable).

3) Hartford is in the top 10 of the most stressful cities in the United States. City officials try and sell the fact that alot has changed since 2000. I will tell you that they are full of crap...the really stink kind.

4) Connecticut doesn't like people between the ages of 23 and 33. I am not kidding. EXHIBIT A is from census data taken in 2000 (Don't make fun of my makeshift graph...its not bad for an MS Paint drawing).

EXHIBIT A

Now for the pro's.

1) Being in Connecticut gives me something to write about.

Well, that wraps that up. Maybe I will add to this post later...or maybe I wont.

UPDATE: OK, AFTER THE SPRING AND SUMER HERE, CT WASN'T SO BAD. HOPEFULLY THE WINTER ISN'T BAD EITHER.

I Need a Tanker of Sugar; This Lemon Is Huge.

I was just told that I will be in CT for 3-6 months. This means several things to me:

1) I really should have pursued that job at GBI...wonder if it is still there?
2) I need a car for the next 3-6 months
3) I need a place to stay for the next 3-6 months
4) I will be looking at other jobs until I am actually on the road again...only this time I am going to be a lot less picky. Being in Tennessee on expenses is one thing. Being in CT on my crappy ass base salary is entirely another beast. Carnegie Mellon Job Center here I come.

The one good thing about being in CT while looking for a job is that there is nothing to distract you.

OK, back to finishing my normally scheduled post...see below.

Las Katty's; Where Nobody Knows Your Name...Or English.

Welcome to Las Katty's.

Do you have a valid drivers license? Ha ha, just kidding.

What you really need is a mustache like this.

Last Saturday night was my 3rd last night in Florida. As far as my last nights in Florida go, this one was rather mediocre. I think that going away celebrations lose their charm when you don’t actually go away. Therefore, my next going away party, if I get one, will be a “those bastards can’t get rid of me” party. I am sure that people will be more supportive of that one.
Anyways, on my last last night in Florida I was exploring local bars with a girl I have been dating. She just moved into a new apartment and wanted to find a place to shoot pool on the weekends. The first bar we went to was my favorite. It was called Las Katty’s and my first observations suggested that it might be a Hispanic bar (nothing but Salsa played on the jukebox, they only served Corona and everybody was Hispanic). When we walked in I approached the bar and ordered two Corona’s. The bartender promptly gave me two stacks of quarters…I guess for the jukebox? After reiterating that I actually wanted two CORONAS she started holding things up until I nodded at the Corona beer can. Finally she gave me two cans of Corona, some lime wedges and a really funny look. I think the funny look was free.

Our endeavors to play pool were even less successful. It turns out that putting down quarters is not good enough at Las Katty’s. In order to play pool you must also have a mustache. My companion was beside herself that they wouldn’t let her play. Every time she tried to get into a game they conveniently couldn’t understand what she wanted. I think that they were afraid to be beaten by a girl. I unfortunately do not have a mustache either so we were both out of luck with respect to pool. Fortunately we both like Corona in a can so we just kicked back and had many meaningful conversations with the only Spanglish person in the bar. Most of these conversations involved making fun of me for having taken Latin in high school instead of Spanish. And now, buenos noches. Im going to bed.

Yin is a Bitch and Yang Can't Hold His Liquor

Piece of advice: Hold on to your yang

After about a month, my karma has finally gotten back on track. My yin and my yang are both getting along and life has been quite enjoyable. This was not the case for the several previous weeks.
About a month ago, I went to Foxwoods to play blackjack. Up to this point I had been doing moderately well in my gambling ventures. I would guess that I was up a couple thousand dollars between Vegas, Foxwoods, and friendly card games. I knew that at some point I was due to take a significant hit because, lets face it, when you gamble at a casino you are supposed to lose. But, on the other hand, who expects to lose or push nearly 20 hands of blackjack in a row. Yes, that’s right. I either lost or pushed nearly 20 hands of blackjack in a row…and I was completely sober. When did I accidentally dance on Mother Theresa’s grave? I mean come on, 20 hands is a lot. Anyways, I ended up losing $400 on that trip to Foxwoods. Then things got personal.
Shortly after that trip to Foxwoods I ended up back in Florida. Now whenever I am in Florida, I always end up playing Scrabble w/ my Aunt P and Uncle M. My Uncle M and I are both a little obsessive and we both hate to lose. So when I started drawing crappy tiles I decided that this whole karma thing had gotten out of control. I mean really, when there is trash talking involved, bad luck is just not acceptable. At some point you just have to go out and find out which bar your yang is boozing it up at and make him get your yin back under control. After looking all over West Palm Beach I finally found my yang hanging out at some hole in the wall bar last Saturday. It turns out that when I was sent back to Connecticut he stayed behind. Here is the conversation:

JPR: So. How have you been? Enjoying FL?
YANG: [belch]
JPR: You realize that not only have I lost $400 at Foxwoods but Uncle M has won the last 4 or 5 games of Scrabble. That’s way too much trash talking for me to handle. You really need to come back and get yin under control. She is pissing me off.
YANG: [eyes roll back and he hits the floor] thump!
JPR: Crap.

So that brings us to the present. Since enrolling my yang in AA, I have finally started drawing decent Scrabble tiles, cute girls are giving me the time of day and just the other night I won $100 playing poker. If I can somehow avoid accidentally dancing on peoples graves, things ought to be okay.