Monkey Toe Man Joins the X-Men

STOP MAKING FUN OF MY @#$*%!# TOES!

My entire life people have always had commentary about my toes. They are very long. I personally, have always been quite happy with my extremely functional, and in my opinion, charming, toes. If there is something on the ground to pick up, why bend over? I can just snag whatever it is with my toes. Hands full and you need to grab something you dropped? No problem if you have monkey toes. Need to pivot on the basketball court? Monkey toes are great for pivoting. I can pivot like a madman…look at me go; pivot, pivot, pivot! (too bad money toes do not help with an outside shot). Balance? Monkey toes are quite functional there as well. Now, as far as mutations go, I would much rather have gotten a cool giant red laser beam that shoots out of my eyeballs or maybe superhuman strength. People don’t make rude commentary if you have superhuman strength (at least not loudly).

Unfortunately, my special mutation is not even close to being worthy of super hero status. If I was a superhero, even Aquaman would make fun of me. That’s pretty low on the superhero totem pole. I mean come on, he talks to fish and is a good swimmer…whoopty freakin doo. As it is I already have people making all sorts of comments about my weird toes. I certainly don’t need Aquaman making fun of me. However, despite the rather insensitive commentary and despite getting jipped out of both the laser eyeballs and superhuman strength I am quite happy with my monkey toes. As far as I am concerned they’re not hairy and they are definitely functional. This is good enough for me. Besides, it could be worse; I could have gills

(I was going to start this post: “Long appendages seem to run in my family…” but then realized that this was going to take things WAY off track).