Look over there, nothing to see here.

The posts may dry up over the next week or two. I will be busy with things such as traveling back to TN, jet engine stuff, trying to find food in TN that isn't deep fried, living out of a suitcase, grinding my teeth and recovering from the last two weeks. I will most certainly not be busy updating my resume. Really. Stop looking at my desk. Nothing to see here.

If the posts dry up, check back later. They will pick up again.

Birthday Pics

I will be adding to this post over the next day or two as more pics come in.

This may be why I love this bar. Also, note the brass monkey in my hand.

Got a lot of birthday kisses

Too many birthday kisses.

Cast of Characters

This is early in the night

This is not

Note the tequila pigs on the bar...they will be the subject of a later post.

I don't know why I lost my voice

Deaf, Dumb and Mute

OK. So Im not really deaf...there is a slight ringing though.

Last night officially ended the two week birthday extravaganza and right now I am having a mini party in my head celebrating the fact that I am no longer celebrating anything. While I am enjoying my party of one, here is a synopsis of the idiocy.

A 12 step process to officially becoming Deaf Dumb and Mute
1) Celebrate your milestone birthday for 2 weeks...start on a Tuesday.
2) On each night you are out yell/sing at the top of your lungs. I suggest the following:
- ADD IT UP, Violent Femmes (I especially like the part where you get to yell everybody's favorite expletive...not "smurf")
- TNT, AC/DC (Who doesn't like yelling "oy!"?)
- BLACK BETTY
- MOTHER, Danzig
- WONDERWALL, Oasis
- WHITE WEDDING, Billy Idol (I suggest using a megaphone while yelling at the top of your lungs...I did. The way I see it, if you are going to be a mute, everyone else may as well be deaf)
3) Let the other loud and obnoxious person in the group have the megaphone.
4) Drink a brass monkey (I am not sure if the ringing in my ears is from the megaphone feedback 2 inches from my head or if it is from the brass monkey)
5) Drink a Seven Sees in a triple shot glass (about the brass monkey...its better than a triple Seven Sees)
6) Wish I remembered.
7) See 6)
8) See 7)
9) I think this step involved getting kissed by 4 hot girls, a biker chick AND THE BIKER. I have to go vomit (If I see the picture I may have to gouge my eyes out. Actually scratch that, the title is just deaf dumb and mute, isn't that enough?).
10) After you have finished steps 7, 8 and 9 it is time to wander aimlessly while avoiding "friends" who have more alcohol. FYI, this doesn't actually facilitate the process of becoming deaf, dumb and mute. It does however keep you alive so that you can enjoy being deaf, dumb and mute.
11) Now that your liver has had time to cure (not in the healing sense of the word), go back to the bar.
12) If you aren't drooling by now, try curling up in bed with a nice fatty bottle of champagne. When you wake up in the morning it will make some fine mimosas.

By the way, while wandering aimlessly outside of the bar I met a cute girl. I hope she likes "special" people.

Temporary Escape from the Cube

Last night a group of friends and I were hanging out at a bar downtown. As far as Wednesday nights go it was fairly entertaining. The thing about Wednesdays is that when you are closing out a tab well after midnight, it makes it really hard to wake up in the morning and fill out your TPS reports. Well, fortunately for me, my own personal Lumbergh is out of the office and I don’t actually have to worry about whether or not my TPS report has a @#$%@ coversheet until Monday. This makes me happy. This also gives me zero incentive to actually leave at a decent hour. So, instead of closing the tab before midnight and going home to sleep, I opted to hang out with friends and “win” all of the Miller High-Life paraphernalia that was currently available. It was rather entertaining.
At the bar, they were having a promotional event that involved Miller High Life bottles and little white dots. If your bottle had a little white dot you win something. If it didn’t have a little white dot you didn’t win anything. This is very straight forward, right? Well that’s evidently not the case because some people had a really hard time with this concept. I was amazed to see most people go up to the bar and just ask for a High Life and then act all disappointed when they didn’t win anything. Come on people, how many times do you have to hear the rules. If you want to win something you have to order a High Life WITH a white dot. Repeat after me, “Amanda (the bartender..don't repeat this part), may I please have a High Life with a white dot on the bottom?” It’s not that hard.
I don’t understand why people were getting so worked up over a bunch of stupid shirts and other crap anyways.

Side note: I need to start testing engines again..there are only so many Office Space references that can be made.

General All Purpose Idiocy

A few posts back I promised that I would write about some general all purpose idiocy. Unfortunately, time constraints prevented me from posting at all for a few weeks. Well, I am here to tell you that, as requested, your general all purpose idiocy is on the way. This weekend is a milestone birthday for me; Im turning.....uh, 26. As such, the idiocy is almost guaranteed. Well, it's actually ALWAYS guaranteed but we won't dwell on that.

Anyways, look for some interesting posts next week...not that I won't be posting in the meantime, because I might. No promises though. I might be busy updating a resume.

Hit Me Upside the Head w/ a Baseball Bat and Call Me Motivated.

Today’s TO DO List:
1) Wake up at some point before noon.
2) Do something.
3) Find some manager at work to stomp out the last little bit of motivation that I have.

That is my plan for the day. Unfortunately, my computer at work is spitting out some nonsense about actual work that I should be doing. I am sure one quick call to the help desk can fix that.

Help Desk: Hello, how can I help you?
JPR: My computer keeps giving me messages that say I have to do stuff…like real work.
HD: Are you running Windows XP or 2000?
JPR: Does it matter?
HD: OK. Can you describe the “stuff”
JPR: Yes. The stuff is very listy and just reading it makes me angry.
HD: I will have to call a second tier expert for this one; I am actually only cleared to change passwords. Please hold.
JPR: Whatever
[Rod Stewart Muzak]
HD2: Hello, how can I help you?
JPR: My computer keeps giving me messages that say I have to do stuff…didn’t the last person I talked to tell you about it.
HD2: No sir. That would be efficient.
JPR: OK, fine. Can you just make my computer stop telling me to do stuff.
HD2: I think so. It sounds like a common virus we have been dealing with. Here is what I am going to do. First I am going to log onto your computer and install the latest service pack. Then I will update your password and delete all of your useful programs. K?
JPR: Whatever. Just fix it.
[Metallica Muzak (not really, I was just hoping. Too bad my hair is all short and professional looking right now. I could go for some good head banging at the moment)]
HD2: OK. That should do it. Just reboot your computer and everything should work just fine.
JPR: Sweet.
[Reboot]
JPR: All right. I have rebooted the computer but the screen is entirely blank. I just wanted it to stop telling me to do stuff...now its just playing dead. Can I still surf the interweb?
HD2: I will have to call a third tier expert for that.
JPR: Nevermind. This is good enough. Thanks.
HD2: No problem sir. And thanks for calling CSC, have a nice day…click.
JPR: [drool]

Down w/ Soy Beans!

It has recently come to my attention that there are many people out there who have never heard of Soylent Green. This is really too bad. Soylent Green is a delicious and nutritious meal alternative. It is high in protein, low in fat and it is filled with a whole plethora of vitamins and minerals.

Charleton Heston first pitched the product in the 70’s in a rather uplifting infomercial named, quite cleverly, Soylent Green. Unfortunately, people mistook his 2 hour infomercial for a movie. After starring in the likes of Ben Hur and Planet of the Apes, people weren’t expecting Charles to go all Ron Popeil on them. This societal oversite was only a small setback. The real killer was the popularity of the soy bean. With all the green freaks promoting the soy bean all willy nilly, the soy bean completely overshadowed Soylent Green and prevented this wonderful product from ever meeting its full potential in the market place. Well, there was also that whole issue with the FDA but really, just because Soylent Green is people, that’s no reason to scrap a whole product line. Some people are just too sensitive. Next thing you know they will be telling us that we can’t eat dogs, dolphin or cat. Stupid FDA.

Sidenote: Ben Stein Just Said "F'ing" on FOX News...Awesome.

Back in the Cube

I’m back in the cube.
Here is a comprehensive list of the things that are good in cubes:
1) Cheese

As you can see, I am clearly not in that list.

Before I start complaining about the cube, I do have to say that being in CT (I am only saying this because we have not yet entered the 7 month CT winter) is better than being in TN. The weather is perfect and I am hoping that the social scene is as good as it was when I left for TN seven weeks ago. So, overall, things aren’t bad. OK, now that we got that out of the way, back to complaining about cubes.

Since I seem to be in a list making mood today, here are the things that make cubes (of the office variety specifically) unpleasant.
1) Who wants to be closed up in a box under fluorescent lights…not me.
2) Office cubicle grey or beige…I may as well be hanging out in the gulag.
3) Straight lines freak me out man.
4) I feel like I should be addressed by number. “E600910. E600910. Please report to the cube of X11238. Your presence is required now.” Actually, I am going to start addressing my co-workers by their #’s. “Hey E601380, lets go to Bradley’s and have a beer.”
5) "PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean?
6) The fact that the walls supposedly offer privacy but for some reason you can still hear every phone conversation within the adjacent 50 cubes.
7) The unbearable urge to tell everyone that they have been assimilated. If I succumb to this, next thing you know I will be snorting uncontrollably every time I start laughing.
8), eight. I forget what eight was for but EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!

Lets see. So far there is a reference to Russian prisons, Office Space, Star Trek and the Violent Femmes. I think that is good enough for one days work. Im off to burn down my cube.

Word Power (Readers Digest Please Dont Sue)

Magnanomous
Magnanamous
Magnanimous
The stupid word is hard to spell and even harder to say. So what in the hell makes people think that its even a good idea to be...that word up there. I mean, that word is obviously a pain in the ass for a reason. Oh well, too late now. I have already wasted all of those syllables.

On the upside, yesterdays post was kind of entertaining.

An Altogether Pleasant Day

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

New(ish) Car for JPR

I just bought a car for temporary use in CT.

I think it was a steal.

Here is how it all went down:
So there I am (I hate stories that start off like this, its so cheesy…oh well) in the used car lot, not intending to buy a car at all. I tried a few different cars but I really wasn’t happy with any of them. Then I saw a 2004 Sebring Convertible at the front of the lot. Now I really hadn’t intended on actually getting a Sebring Convertible but I figured, “what the hell, lets take it for a spin.”
The thing is, I had considered getting a Sebring Convertible previously but had decided against it. I love the convertible part of it but the rest of it is kind of old mannish. Plus, it’s a Chrysler. But, on the other hand, it’s the only convertible that I fit in (aside from a BMW 645 Ci and, for ~$70,000, that is a little more than I wanted to spend on a temporary car.) and I have really enjoyed the benefits of having a convertible in the past. All this aside, I had decided that I wasn’t going to get a Sebring…and yet there I was taking it for a spin.
Next thing you know I am back in the lot and the sales person is telling me the price; "That'll be $16999" he says. “HA!” I said. “Are you kidding?” The Blue Book Retail for this car is $16000, you’re overcharging $1000 (I had spent the previous hour looking at Blue Book prices for a bunch of different cars at 10,000 25,000 and 35,000 miles...apparently this included Sebrings). Then it happened. Just for shits and giggles I made a ridiculous counter offer: “We are approaching the end of the summer. Nobody is going to buy this car once September rolls around. You should really be trying to sell it for a lot less to get it off of the lot now. By the time next summer gets here and people are looking to buy convertibles again, the car will have depreciated and it will only be worth ~$14500 (probably an exaggeration on my part...I just feel horrible, really). If you will give it to me now for that much I might consider it. That puts the money in your pocket eight months sooner than you would have had it otherwise.”

After a lot of back and forth and me starting to walk away several times, they finally agreed to $14500.
“Shit”I wasn’t actually prepared to buy a car…and the Sebring no less? I was just seeing how low I could get them to go. I didn’t think they would cave in that much. Well, long story slightly less long, I did it. I bought the damn car. So, as of Monday, there will be no more rental cars in CT for me.

So now the question is, whats wrong with it? The CARFAX report came back clean and the car is certified. Is there a catch? It wasn't exactly easy but how come they finally agreed to such a low #?

Oh well, not much I can do about it now. So long.