What if I was a...

Fear my super powered army of oompa loompas

As a rule, I generally do not participate in these blog lists. However, in this one case I will make an exception....just because the person who tagged me with it is really nice.

I am supposed to list what I would do if I had 5 other occupations...there were some other words involved but they just seemed to complicate the matter. So, without further ado, here is my "What if I was a..." list.

What if I was

1) a supervillain:

Then I would spend all day coming up with crackpot strategies to take over the world and impose my will over the entire population of earth. Dont worry, this just means that everything is pretty much the same except that I have a big yacht, cool toys and a really cool Fortress of Doom.

2) a supergenius genetic scientist:

Then I would create a large army of super powered oompa loompas and become a supervillain...see item #1.

3) the winner of Jerry Halls "Kept":

She is a little old for me but what the hell...I wouldn't leave. Maybe she could help me with my plans to take over the world.

4) the dictator of a small island with 12 people, 9 mice, and a lot of plants and trees:

Then I would forget about becoming a supervillain and concentrate on training the mice to be in the worlds most amazing mouse circus. I would also have the 12 people build equally amazing tree houses and make my island a small but expensive tourist attraction. I would use the revenues to buy more islands, grow my fortune and subsequently take over the world.

5) a supergenius mechanical engineer:

I would build cool jet engine powered machines to take over the world...just as soon as that loan from the bank comes through.

NFL Look Out, Here Comes the NFBL

I have decided that I need to start a league for my favorite sport: football bat. I can't decide if it should be the NFBA or the NFBL. OR, maybe I could follow in the footsteps of other startup leagues and call it the AFBA or AFBL.
For those of you who do not know what football bat is, here is how you play.

Equipment:
1 woofle ball bat...preferably the big fat yellow kind.

Rules:
1) The game starts out w/ the woofle ball bat in the center of the field.
2) When the ref blows the whistle, everyone runs toward the bat to pick it up.
3) Once someone has established control of the bat, all other players must tackle him/her and try to get the bat.
4) The bat carrier is allowed to either run or defend himself with the bat.
5) Once the bat carrier has a knee or backside hit the ground he/she must give up the bat.
6) The game ends when everyone is afraid to pick up the bat again OR when everybody else is afraid to tackle the bat carrier.

Determining the winner:
If there is a bat carrier left standing, that person is the winner.
If everyone is afraid to pick up the bat, the player who carried the bat the longest is the winner.

So there you have it, football bat.

I figure that Football Bat will be the next Slam Ball, Roller Derby or Dodge Ball. They seem to love televising these things on TNN (or some channel like that). I predict that Football Bat will grow to astronomic proportions and that not only will it make it off of TNN and onto a major network but that it will also become the new national pastime. In my opinion something needs to replace Hockey AND Baseball.

If there is anything that doesn't make sense in this post (like football bat), I am all doped up on Nyquil...its not my fault.

Litigous Local Caught In Snowbird Migration

NY plate, NJ plate, Ontario Plate, CT plate....how are there no FL plates in FL?

Today I showed up to work at 7:15 AM and I was very confused. I couldn't figure out how I ended up at work almost half an hour early. At this point in the morning everything is in a serious haze and my brain is on auto-pilot so I really had to think about this.
Did I set the alarm right? Yes. I definitely remember trying to kill the alarm clock at 5:45 AM.
Did I forget to do something? Deodarant...check; teeth brushed...check; pants...check.
Then it hit me. There was no traffic this morning. All of the snowbirds have finally left and I can now sleep an extra 30 minutes in the morning. This is cause for celebration................AND A FREAKIN LAWSUIT!
I am suing everyone north of NJ who comes down to WPB just to vacation over the winter. Those bastards have cost me way too much sleep and I am going to sue them all for being detrimental to my health and well being; also for being a pain in my ass. I figure that for all the days I had to work first shift, they cost me anywhere between 15 and 30 minutes. In season, this would be around 75 days. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, I will say 20 minutes * 75 days. This comes out to 1,500 minutes of my time wasted in snowbird migration patterns. At about $50 an hour, the snowbirds collectively owe me $1250 in lost time. I WANT MY MONEY AND I WANT IT NOW!
If you are a snowbird, I will accept checks, money orders and cash.

Take the Pig Personality Test

This is my pig (Keep in mind I drew this with the touchpad on a laptop).

Click on the link to the right to take the test and find out what my pig means.

I Hate SAP (my most clever title to date)

Disclaimer: This starts off really slow and highlights just how big of a nerd I can be. A whole post about software...where in the hell is my pocket protector.

.

I read an article the other day about ERP software. The most interesting point in it was that the major ERP companies (think SAP) spend a majority of their revenues on advertising and trying to convince big business that their products are THE products to have.

To me this seems like it would lead to some serious problems. First off, if all of this money is being spent on advertising, what is being used to hire programmers to continually improve the software? Seems to me that this just leads to a very mediocre product that will quickly fall out of date. This in turn leads to the problem of acquiring and maintaining customers.

With a mediocre product, how do you get customers to buy it? I know! Spend more money on advertising. Spend oodles of $$$$ to convince all of the bonehead executives at major companies that your product is the one that they absolutely have to have. Make sure to use lots of little flashy, sparkly things to distract the executives from the lower cost alternatives that work way better but are not included in their list of executive buzzwords (again think SAP). That way, your customers employees (think me) can spend 5 x longer when trying to get anything done using your poorly thought out product.

Customer testimonial: Hi! My name is jpr and I #$%&$% LOVE SAP. Before when I did expense reports, I could get a months worth done in an hour. Now, with SAP, when I do expense reports I have to click on 5x as many buttons to do the exact same freaking thing. This keeps me from having to do any real work. Plus, when it is time to look the expense report over for mistakes, SAP puts it in a nice user-notfriendly format so that I can just say screw it and send it in as is. I LOVE SAP!

I would write more but I am still doing expense reports.