lemming fodder

ThePrintYard.com

2007-10-22T23:07:00.001-04:00

No new posts for me. I have been too busy working on a new website: theprintyard.com

The site allows artists to sell and promote their work with no risk.
Follow the link and check it out.

In the future we will also be adding features to the site to help developing artists. I don't want to give it all away now but keep checking it out to see the cool ideas we will be implementing.

Below are a few of the works that have been submitted; check out the site to see more:

Im back and better than ever (not necessarily good)

2005-11-29T14:49:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a really long time. Im not sure I remember how. You would think that after not having posted for almost a full month that I would have oodles to write about. Nope.
So, instead of an actual post, I bring you 10 second bitmap art:

Is it worse to be a paraplegic with no toes?

Or a quadriplegic with toes?

Aren't you glad I came back?

UPDATE: Just read my sisters blog. Her first line is eerily similar to my title. Thats just weird.

This weekend was so good I really don't have the energy to write a post.

2005-11-06T22:18:00.000-05:00

Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah and then blah blah blah. Yadda yadda yadda....and that was my weekend. And with that, I am going to let my eyes close.

Where in the Hell Do I Put This?

2005-11-03T10:46:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had an informal interview so, rather than the usual jeans and wrinkled shirt, I decided to go into work actually looking respectable. This included a dress shirt and dress pants. The thing about dress pants is, they are horrible for holding pens and pencils. Jeans, you throw a pen in there, no problem. It stays straight up and down and typically doesn't stab your leg just to amuse itself. In dress pants, on the other hand, pens always slide down to a weird angle so that everytime I sit down I get rewarded with a brand new hole in my leg.

So, being the adaptable guy that I am, I decided to put the pen in my shirt pocket. Of course this has drawbacks too. I mean really, once you start putting pens and pencils in your shirt pocket you may as well bring out the pocket protector and wrap your glasses with tape (or in my case BUY a pair of glasses and THEN wrap them with tape). But, I figured that just one writing utensil in my shirt pocket would be allowed...not too bad. I have to keep it somewhere after all.

As usual, leave it to friends to point out the error of my ways. Within 5 minutes of sitting down for a drink, the pen in the pocket was mocked. Fortunately I have come to terms with being "not cool." Next time I will just carry two pens. One for writing and one for stabbing anybody who mocks the pens in my pocket.

Laplesstops

2005-11-01T11:02:00.000-05:00

Wow. I haven't posted anything for a long time. Shame on me. I can't believe that I have allowed real life to get in the way of semi-anonymously spewing crap onto the inter-web. What was I thinking? Real relationships/friends are way over rated. What do I need them for when I have the radiation of my laptop to keep me warm at night?
Speaking of such things, laptop is not a good name for these portable computers. The thing is, yes they can rest on your lap, but is it really a good idea? I don't know about yours but mine sure cranks out a lot of heat. I have even read articles about people getting actual burns from these things. Granted, they were probably not wearing pants when they got burned but the threat is still there. Plus, as a guy, what kind of side effects are there from having this thing resting over your "lap" all of the time?
Anyways, the point is, the name "laptop" is just asking for trouble. It shouldn't be on your lap so don't call it a laptop. Its like if we called plastic bags "breathing apparatuses." Nothing good can come of it.

Turning Japanese Remix...thats not me.

2005-10-21T21:58:00.000-04:00

Dropping the F-Bomb

2005-10-17T10:35:00.000-04:00

Looks like I am heading back to CT on Tuednesday. Im not sure if it will be the first or the second part of Tuednesday yet but it will definitely be on Tuednesday.

While preparing to leave TN I realized something. I am NOT dropping F-bombs like I am invading Iraq and I am NOT cursing like a sailor (maybe an irate biker but definitley not a sailor). The thing is, the mechanics on the test stand in TN don't curse nearly as much as the mechanics in FL. So, not having been on the test stands in FL for a while, my language has improved dramatically. This is a good thing because it was getting ridiculous. Don't get me wrong. When the time is right, dropping an F-bomb can be really effective AND it just feels good. On the other hand, when you are flying in friendly skies and you accidently drop an F-bomb out of habit...well, sometimes it's not good.

The funny thing is, I am an auditory idiot. You wouldn't think that I would be such a parrot. If anything, I should be resistant to such things. Well, enough introspection. Its time to fucking go.

GIVE ME MY SNOOD BITCHES!

2005-10-15T21:48:00.000-04:00

I have been Snooded. I went cold turkey on video games a long time ago. I went cold turkey for a reason. The reason is that they suck. They are worse than crack. Like crack they do nothing to actually make you happy in the long run. Sure they give you immediate gratification but in the mean time you aren't in the gym; you aren't out meeting new people and you aren't doing anything that is going to improve the quality of your life in even the tiniest of ways.
So, having acknowledged that I have a problem, I will also admit to having a relapse. The thing is, I was introduced to this game called Snood. Its kind of Tetris-y and its kind of addictive...at least, that is, if you are me. I have a real problem w/ Snood. Once I start I just can't stop snooding. Today I got my first hit of snood at around 10:00 AM and its pretty much all I did all day. This is crap and thats all that I have to say on the matter. I would write more but I have to uninstall Snood before I have another relapse.

Who Stole Tuesday?

2005-10-12T23:31:00.000-04:00

Its Wednesday? What in the? How...? There is no way that 2 days have just gone by. Just yesterday it was Tuesday morning and I was getting on a plane to TN. Now it's Wednesday night and the previous 2 days are done. I still can't believe that 2 days have gone by. In my world it was only one day, I will call this day Tuednesday. As it turns out, I had an action packed and very productive Tuednesday. In fact, it was such a successful Tuednesday, I am thinking about making it an official day in my week. My new offical week will be Monday, Tuednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Of course, this presents some problems for Microsoft. The thing is, Outlook doesn't have a Tuednesday. This makes scheduling meetings on Tuednesday quite difficult. Since this will be a major inconvenience for me, old Billy boy is going to have to come up with a new release of Outlook that includes a proper week. That being the case, I have to go now. Next week is going to be a busy week and somebody needs to get Bill's team of monkeys to crank out an update for Outlook ASAP. If not, 6 days from now, people are going to feel rather silly showing up for meetings on a day that doesn't even exist anymore.

Im Tired

Almost Pointless

2005-10-09T11:38:00.000-04:00

Point #1 Remember those commercials for York Peppermint Patties? You know, "When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I get the cool sensation of..." OK, so now that you remember...they are a bunch of crap. Last night, after hitting a late night diner, I HAD a Peppermint Patty and I have to say, there were no cool sensations. As it turns out, when I bite into a York Peppermint Patty I just get a bunch of squishy chocolate in my teeth. Where did my cool breeze go?

Point #2 Went to the Niantic Book Barn today w/ cute girl. Book Barn is really not accurate though. The Book Barn is actually a bunch of barns, sheds and other small buildings stuffed to the gills with books (duh). As with most used book stores, you can trade in books for cash OR store credits. However, unlike most other used book stores, the Niantic Book Barn also has a horde of cats and two goats. In my opinion you should be able to use store credits to get a goat. I never was able to find out how many store credits would be required though. This is really too bad. After all, Halloween is coming up and it is hard to respectably celebrate most pagan holidays without a goat...or vestal virgins for that matter.

Magic 8-Ball Says: "You Still Suck, Stop Asking!"

2005-10-07T16:07:00.000-04:00

For all the anonymous venting about my boss over the past year or so, I now feel that I have to give the guy some credit over how he has been handling himself over the last few weeks. For starters he has actually held some impromptu meetings in which he actually LISTENED to input from other people when they offered suggestions. He sat there, listened and seemed to absorb the information. A far cry from his usual nod and smile while his eyes betray the fact that he is really just thinking about what he is going to say next. Now we will see if he actually follows through on any of what he appeared to absorb. If he does I will be very impressed. After all, we are still waiting on the meeting minutes/ action items from our only real team meeting from over 2 years ago. As an added bonus, he has also been slightly more personable of late. Not quite as stand offish. So we here at the NRYBA* say good start towards not sucking bossman.
However, despite these positives, he still has a strong dictatorial tinge to his style of management. So, in light of recent conversations and events, the boss-o-meter has moved from “Hitler” to “Ivan the Moderately Horrible.” Way to go bossman! Perhaps next week you may even actively seek input from your employees.

Stay tuned for more updates from the Boss-o-Meter

*National Rate Your Boss Association

My nerd lifeline has been cut.

2005-10-07T10:40:00.000-04:00

This is crap. I have no cable at home. This means no real posts until
1) I leave for TN on Tuesday
2) I have absolutely nothing to do at work
3) COX stops sucking.

So, in lieu of a real post I bring you the quote of the day:

Quote of the Day: "Dude, your quote of the day sucks."

2005-10-05T09:52:00.000-04:00

A Mini Pirate Excursion

2005-10-04T00:16:00.000-04:00

Arrr me maties. I went water skiing today for the first time in years. Even better, it was with a group of extremely retarded but equally entertaining coworkers/friends. The boat held a crew of six and never was there a more qualified bunch of blaggards to man such a ridiculously fast boat filled with booze. Ok, so we were only qualified for the booze aspect...but isn't that what being a pirate is all about. That still doesn't change the fact that the boat was fast though. How fast? It was capable of generating more G's than that time Porky Pig tried out to be the spokes pig for Frosted Flakes (take that Dennis Miller).
Anyways, we all took a turn at skiing but some were more successful than others. Some members of the group didn't do so well due to injury. Others didn't do so well because they didn't see signs on the wake board that said "For use by EXPERT skiers only." But we all had fun and we all looked like idiots together.
Then there was dinner. We pulled up to some restaurant on the lake and ate fried shrimp, fried oysters, fried crab cakes, fried catfish, fried hush puppies, fried fried stuff, etc. The best part of dinner was feeding the mutant catfish that were swimming just off of the dock. They ate everything except the coleslaw. And when I say everything, I mean that they even ate the chunks of fried catfish that we threw in the water....thats just wrong. Here fishy fishy fishy, have some soylent fishfood. Do you think that they even would have cared if they knew? Im guessing no.

After dinner we went zipping back across the lake in the dark making pirate jokes and being generally obnoxious. This would have been even more entertaining if I had not been in wet shorts for over 3 hours. There is nothing good about being in wet shorts for that long. NOTHING. But that was only a minor problem and really didn't detract from the evening all that much. Getting stuck in TN for an extra day ended up being not so bad. I still stand by my last post though. They can all still choke on the purple berries.

2005-10-03T14:06:00.000-04:00

May all the people who have conspired to keep me in TN for this one extra day choke on purple berries.

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On Beyond Zebra

2005-10-01T17:40:00.000-04:00

I was trying to look busy and blazing new trails across the interweb when I came across this strange beast. What in the hell is this thing? Did a giraffe get molested by a zebra...or an aardvark? Or perhaps the offspring of a zebra and a giraffe was molested by a hyena? This thing is supposedly called an Okapi but I think that we can do much better. Of course, after my 6th grade fiasco in Mrs Brackens class I don't think I will ever try my hand at naming an animal again.

TANGENT ALERT! TANGENT ALERT!

For some reason we had a creative writing assignment that involved making up a fictional animal. We had to give it a name, eating habits, natural habitat etc. If I recall, it was a rather entertaining assignment. I even drew a picture for my creature. It looked something like this.

The fiasco came when Mrs Bracken came over and asked me about the stupid thing.

Mrs B: So, what do you call it? Its a rather interesting looking creature.
Me: Its a Pimp.
Mrs B: A what?
Me: A Pimp. P-I-M-P.
Mrs B: Do you know what a pimp is jpr?
Me: Uh, no? That? [pointing at picture]
Mrs B: Perhaps you should go find a dictionary [at this point a large smirk is creeping across her face...she can't hold it in anymore]

Now, whether or not the other students knew what a pimp was, they definitely knew it was something inappropriate so of course the finger pointing and "pimp" shouting began spreading across the room just as steadily as the smirk had crept across Mrs Brackens face. It was a very confusing time for me. One moment I'm minding my own business and enjoying my work and the next moment I am being called a pimp from all over the room. It stuck. So, don't any of you bitches piss me off or I may have to give you the pimp hand and pop a cap in yo ass. Peace out homies.

Power Rankings

2005-09-30T13:19:00.000-04:00

1) http://rainypete.blogspot.com/ Because I like the funny dancing stick man
2) oh crap...this is way too much effort for right now. Mabe later.

Blog Power Rankings

2005-09-29T01:12:00.000-04:00

I think I am going to start a top 20 blog list. Once every 2 weeks I will update it and shuffle things around based on irrational commentary...kind of like espn.com's Power Rankings. I am hoping this will generate all kinds of hate mail when people have their blog's moved down a notch for no good reason.

Sorry this is all I have for a post today. Blogger ate my other post when it realized that, just this once, I didn't write it in Word first. It just knew. So sensing the lack of a backup, Blogger ate the whole post. Couldn't even share just a little bit of it with the rest of us. Stupid Blogger.

Double Down

2005-09-28T22:06:00.000-04:00

Currently, the hotel room that I am living in has two double beds instead of a king. Initially this made me very angry, not Lou Ferrigno angry but definitely irritated (Lou Ferrigno is my new favorite reference).

[Actually, everything right now is tending to make me angry. That is what happens when, even after work, you can’t even escape the decisions of your boss who has confused himself with one of the world’s great dictators. Of course, that is giving him too much credit. Even Hitler had some positive traits. He was very charismatic you know. My boss is not inspiring in the least, unless of course you count inspiring someone to inflate to five times their original size and turn all green and veiny. It hasn’t happened yet but I have certainly gotten in some good workouts at the gym.]

Where was I? Oh yeah, the double beds. It turns out that the double beds are quite handy. A double bed is big enough for one person to sleep in so, right off the bat, I can’t really complain about not getting a good nights sleep. Beyond that, I have realized that with a double bed I can eat cookies in one bed while watching TV and then, when it is time, actually go to sleep in the other bed. As an added bonus, the second double bed makes a great workspace. I can have both laptops open, papers spread everywhere and when it is time for bed I can just leave them there. The desks in these hotel rooms don’t provide anywhere near as much workspace as a double bed. As a matter of fact, I am currently sitting on my work double bed while my sleeping double bed is waiting patiently with nice clean sheets and without crumbs, papers and other miscellaneous crap. I would even go so far as to say that someone should start selling actual work beds. They could be specially designed to accommodate papers, laptops and other office equipment and they could come with a headboard that comes with better lumbar support than the one upon which I am currently leaning. It could revolutionize the home office.

Given the fact that this headboard does not have adequate lumbar support, I am going to stop working/writing now. Instead I am going to go find some milk and cookies and get crumbs all over; try not to be jealous.

Update: The above aside is in no way meant to imply that I like Hitler. I do not. You may however, if you so choose, infer that my boss is worse than Hitler. Thankyou and have a nice day.

Question of the Day

2005-09-27T17:42:00.000-04:00

You are walking into a crowded movie theater and somehow end up tripping down the stairs. Once you eventually hit the bottom do you

A) Leave the theater mortified and go watch another movie
B) Slink into the nearest seat and try not to make eye contact with anyone
C) Stand up and pretend like nothing happened.
D) Laugh it off and take a seat
E) Smile/Laugh, take a deep bow and find your seat.
F) Run back up to the top of the stairs and do it again...this time with a half twist at the bottom.
G) Other: ??

A Night w/ the Indians

2005-09-26T17:54:00.000-04:00

No. Not that kind of Indian. The other kind. On Saturday night I went to the Mohegan Sun Casino with a rather charming and cute girl. We had dinner at the Michael Jordan Steakhouse, drank some drinks, and slotted some slots. While slotting the slots I somehow ended up with a 300% gain. I wasn't even really paying much attention to the slots that I had been slotting, it just kind of happened. I have decided to take this as a sign that my yin and my yang have decided to quit being pricks. Of course, I was only playing quarter slots and I only started w/ $10 in the machine so its not like I made all that much money. But, winning is winning and it was more fun than losing...as is usually the case. Besides, its not like it makes up for the $1000 dollars that I gave Chief Runs With Money at the beginning of the Summer (before you go and get all judgemental on me, I am still up ~$1500 over the last 3 years. So you can put that in your peace pipe and smoke it Chief). Moving on...

The drinks that we drank were drunk in a planetariun that gave a very strong feeling of being outside underneath the stars. While enjoying the experience of being outside-in, those drinks that we drank gave a very strong feeling of being drunk (not really, we only had a couple). On a scale of 1 to 10 I have to give the concept of a bar in a planetarium an A+. There was more to the evening than this but now it is time to get dinner and go to the gym so that I can look like Lou Ferrigno.

More later,

Big Little Brain

What the ????

2005-09-23T15:04:00.000-04:00

Since the end of August I have managed to post something everyday (Ok, so yesterday’s post was weak…so sorry). Today I have nothing but I feel obligated to keep the streak alive. As such I am going to make you read this drivel. It’s kind of funny actually. You are currently reading this and right about now you are getting the sneaking suspicion that you should probably stop reading because this post is going to be a bunch of crap and a waste of your time. Yet for some reason, here you are still reading this crap in hopes that I might actually write something funny. Well, to be honest, I am hoping that as this paragraph limps along something funny might magically pop off of the keyboard. Unfortunately all I can think about is yesterday’s lack of a post and oobleck.

Poor Bartholomew. He probably did go blind.

The Blindness Prevention Program...its all a bunch of crap.

2005-09-22T10:57:00.000-04:00

I can't actually write this post. As much as I want to, I have relatives that read this. All I can say is, it would have been DAMN funny. Perhaps I will have to find some random blog and leave it in the commentary section.

Damn You Tequila Pig!

2005-09-21T14:59:00.000-04:00

WANTED: Tequila Pig

Dead or Alive

$10.00 Reward

This fugitive is wanted for aiding and abetting in the thievery of my voice.

Although the tequila pig may at first seem like a good idea, on further reflection ("further reflection" usually takes place the next morning...way too late) this notion will be discarded. Not only does it steal voices but it is rumored to have killed thousands of those brain thingies. I myself have not seen any of those thingies killed but I would sure hate for it to happen to me and stuff. So if you see the tequila pig, be very cautious. Despite his rather pleasant demeanor, he is both a killer and a thief.

NOTE: This is what he looks like around 2 AM.

Do not be fooled by this clever disguise.

Last seen on August 29, 2005

And Today is "Shut Your Pie Hole Day"

2005-09-20T15:15:00.000-04:00

“Talk Like a Pirate Day” was rather frustrating. Of all days for me to lose my voice (again) why did it have to be on “Talk Like a Pirate Day?” OK, sure it was fun to write a post in pirate-ese but I would have much rather been able to SAY, “Get the bilgewater out of your ears you addled blaggard and move yer scuttlebutt out of me way” than write it. Writing it just isn’t the same.

To be perfectly honest, my voice has actually been shot for the past couple of days and I am starting to think that I may have done permanent damage to it during my 2 week birthday celebration. Given my current predicament I have decided to follow up “Talk Like a Pirate Day” w/ “Shut Your Pie Hole Day.” To celebrate “Shut Your Pie Hole Day” I will be keeping my flap trap shut all day. Everyone else can help celebrate this holiday by not asking me any questions that require an answer outside of a head nod or a thumbs up/thumbs down. If you want to shut your pie holes as well, that’s fine by me…especially if you are dumb. If you are not dumb and need to talk to me, I will be available tomorrow. On the other hand, if you are cute and a girl I can always put todays holiday on hold.

Arrrrrr! Its Talk Like a Pirate Day...For Real.

2005-09-19T18:08:00.000-04:00

Shiver me timbers, it’s "Talk Like a Pirate Day" me maties. On this here fine day of swabbing and stabbing, me bilge-sucking Cap’n, a rather rum fellow, ran me down for a few pieces of eight. This’ll not be the first time the Cap’n has been the tyrant. If you ask me, the addled blaggard’s ship has run afoul and there is soon to be scurvy aboard. But I’ve been to the crow’s nest and I see land. I will leave the mutiny to the rats that don’t jump. There be new shorelines to pillage and I will find them in my jolly boat rather than stick around the bilgewater of this poxed ship. So, the Cap’n can have his pieces of eight and I will fend for me self elsewhere. Perhaps one day he will figure out how to get the mizzen mast out of his poop deck.

Detente

2005-09-18T11:52:00.000-04:00

Dear "Prank Victim",
I wasn't feeling so good today so I decided to go back to the hotel room. If you need me, thats where I will be. Hope your day has gone well.
Sincerely,
Your Back Right Tire

P.S. Tell the donut I said hi.

--------------------------------------------

IF I had been interested in escalating the pranks (see yesterdays post), this is the note that would have been left under the windshield wiper of my friends car. Sure it would have been a little bit of effort to jack up his car, remove the tire, drive the tire to his hotel and lean it against his door. On the other hand, it would have been damn funny.

However, I have decided to follow a policy of detente. I am just not feeling motivated enough to deal w/ any sort of retaliation. Too bad really. It might have made for some interesting posts.

String Beans Are Highly Overrated

2005-09-17T16:04:00.000-04:00

Everybody is familiar with the concept of escalating violence. First some punk in a bar makes a stupid comment about sheep. Then some idiot defends the sheeps honor by throwing a punch. Next, the punk breaks a bottle over the idiots head. Soon after, the gang of sheep outside of the pub gets pissed and tramples the punk. Next thing you know all of the sheep are shorn, the sheperd has a cap popped in his ass, "BANG" and the nuclear fallout makes growing string beans rather difficult. It's all quite tragic.

Well, the same concept applies to practical jokes. I forget who started it. It could have been me (I do stuff like that), it could have been my friend, it could have been the IRA. Im not really sure. The point is, it escalated. Initially, the pranks were harmless. Parking so close that the other person couldn't get into their car for example. The problem is, it didn't stop there. Other stuff happened and, bada-bing bada-boom, the sheep got pissed. Next thing you know I am walking out to the parking lot and there are hamburger patties plastered all over my windshield (ok, there were just two...but it sounds way less dramatic after admitting that fact). It was rather amusing actually. But now the ball is in my court. The question is, how much do I care about string beans?

A Room w/ a View. A Crappy View.

2005-09-16T17:11:00.000-04:00

Im staying in Nashville this weekend. Since there is a Titans home game this weekend, rooms were limited. Fortunately I did get a room at the Marriott Courtyard. Un-fortunately, this is the view from the room.

What a boring start for a post. I should be writing about the hamburger patties that were plastered on my windshield this morning. Too late now.

Well, don't worry. Given that it is a Friday night and that I am in Nashville, tomorrow will almost definitely have a post that sucks far less than this one. Please note that I am not commiting to it actually being good, just better than this one. That being said (written, whatever), in order to set the bar really low, I am done.

Buggering off,

JPR

Something Wicked This Way Comes, Part II

2005-09-15T22:34:00.000-04:00

The title of yesterdays post was the inspiration for todays post. Getting right to the point, this post is about brussel sprouts, the most vile and evil vegetable available in your local grocery store. The brussel sprout is the horse pill of the vegetable world. Its just a little ball of bitterness that, although good for you, is most unpleasant to swallow...chewed or otherwise. Believe me, I tried any number of ways to get those little green bastards off of my plate when I was younger. And this brings us to the meat of this post (ironic given that this post is about vegetables).

JPR's favorite ways to get rid of brussel sprouts:

Wait, hold the train! I just remembered...I actually hated lima beans; not brussel sprouts (although brussel sprouts aren't exactly good). Brussel sprouts aren't good but I could actually choke those down. Lima beans on the other hand, in addition to tasting bad, they also have a dryness that makes them even harder to eat. The dry pasty texture that makes up the guts of the lima bean is the stuff nightmares are made of (ack, there's a preposition at the end of my sentence).
SOOooo...what I meant to say was,

JPR's favorite ways to get rid of lima beans:
1) The napkin...parents caught onto this one quickly.
2) Then came the "I have to go to the bathroom" ploy. Before excusing myself, the trick was to shove as many lima beans in my mouth as possible so that they could be deposited in the toilet. The parents also caught onto this manuever rather quickly.
3) Then came stuffing the pockets...this was just unpleasant.
4) Other times I sat at the table for hours on end refusing to eat even one...also unpleasant.
5) Finally I hit upon the best way to get rid of lima beans. My parents knew that I liked milk so I guess they never checked out the glass. I realized that if I had an opaque glass (I probably realized this with a word other than opaque. Its more likely that I just looked for a ceramic or plastic glass without ever thinking the word opaque) and drank half of my milk, that left plenty of room to hide any disgusting lima beans beneath the milky white cover of my...uh, milk.

And that, my friends, is all for today.

Something Wicked This Way Comes...Oh Wait, Thats Just Fried Okra.

2005-09-14T19:27:00.000-04:00

I have decided that Tennessee’s official state restaurant is The Cracker Barrel. It would not be an understatement to say that there is a Cracker Barrel at every single exit. It’s even more pervasive than McDonalds. I was noticing this today as I drove into work. At exit 78, there’s a Cracker Barrel. Exit 81, look, it’s a Cracker Barrel. Exit 89….sweet jebus, it’s another Cracker Barrel. I could keep going but I think you would probably just stop reading around exit 104. There are so many Cracker Barrels in Tennessee, if a horde of locust was to swarm the state, they wouldn’t make it 10 miles before they were filled up on corn bread, turnip greens and gravy…assuming of course they could get seats. Not only is there a Cracker Barrel at every exit, each and every one is always full. Do people in Tennessee eat anything other than Cracker Barrel?
To further underscore this point I give you the following anecdote. My aunt was in the area on business and we were able to hang out for a few days. In an effort to find decent food she went to the front desk and asked the concierge (also the desk clerk and bell hop) for the names of the best restaurants in town. In response to my aunts quest for fine dining, the girl at the desk gave 3 choices one of which was, you guessed it, The Cracker Barrel. Now, I have been to a number of Cracker Barrels and, while I do like the food, it really shouldn’t be considered in the “Best Fine Dining” list. “Best Place for a Heart Attack,” maybe; maybe even “Best Place to Become a Lard Ass” but certainly not “Best Fine Dining.”
Don’t get me wrong, I like eating at the Cracker Barrel on occasion. I just get ornery when it’s my number 1, 2 and 3 choice for places to eat. And with that, I’m off to get dinner…at the Cracker Barrel.

Tomorrow’s post: Is Tennessee Cheating on The Cracker Barrel w/ The Waffle House?

OK, I May Have Been Wrong...Just This Once.

2005-09-14T11:42:00.000-04:00

I take it all back. Upon hearing more of what Roberts had to say its not so bad. The only problem is, with no Supreme Court evil agenda what am I going to write about now? I guess I will have to do something stupid.

What Do You Mean No Porn!

2005-09-13T19:02:00.000-04:00

I was watching the confirmation hearings for Judge John Roberts today because I am a nerd and I do stuff like that (actually, I was still in bed in my hotel room, sans remote, and I wasn’t ready to get up). For the most part I thought he was a great candidate. I sat there listening as he hit question after question out of the ball park. OK. So he really didn’t answer much directly but in his position I would have answered a lot of the questions the same way.
I really couldn’t believe that Emperor Bush nominated this guy (not that I am pro Democrat…I just think Bush is heavy handed). I thought for sure Bush would have made an attempt to impose his conservative values on everyone else. At first this seemed like it was not the case but then my expectations were met. Here's how it went down.

Initially, most of the senators seemed to be focusing on things that would indicate his views on abortion. Roberts said nothing to suggest that he would do anything to go against previous rulings. Then came the privacy issue (as it applies to things such as the Patriot Act and abortion). His answers to these questions suggested that he believes the Constitution strongly infers the right to privacy. So far so good (I could have fleshed this paragraph out a lot more but who really wants to get into the details of a stupid confirmation hearing).
And then it came. The answer that made me realize Bush’s evil plan. When asked about freedom of speech Roberts started off by making the statement that the Constitution protects political expressions. He then went on to say that it does not protect pornographic expressions. NO PORN!!!! The bastard. Bush is going after our Playboys!
OK, the real point here is who is going to start drawing the line between art and porn? Tipper is jumping for joy and Larry is cursing like a sailor. OK. So he always curses like a sailor. The point is, he has got to be pissed. Are the firemen from Fahrenheit 451 going to come and start burning our Playboys? Is Tipper finally going to get rid of Ted Nugent? I don’t know folks. This makes me nervous.

Stay tuned for the next episode when Bush has the Guggenheim torched.
Disclaimer: I want to hear more of what Roberts has to say. I might be a little premature on this but I needed something to write about.

Snails Should Ooze, Not People.

2005-09-11T23:53:00.000-04:00

OK. Maybe I’m a little high strung at times. Maybe I go around in too much of hurry. However, even after making these concessions, there is no way anybody can defend how ridiculously slow some people can be when you get out in the Southern Sticks. I know that I can be impatient so when I am behind Agnes in the WAL MART Express Lane I try not to get upset when she tries to pay for her entire basket of groceries w/ nothing but change. I even manage to take a cab to my happy place when she insists on bagging her own groceries while recounting tales of her new stupid ass dog. But when she continues to hold up the line when she should be moving toward the door…my happy place starts to get a little warm. I mean, come on woman! Im freaking hungry and I need to get food. Get the hell out of the way! Do I actually say this? No, of course not. But surely Agnes can see the steam coming out of my @#$%#!$!! ears. Take a hint woman…LEAVE.

If that had been the first time, I might not have gotten so steamed. The thing is, every other time I get in a line in this town there is inevitably somebody just oozing along at the speed of snail splooge. So, if you are prone to oozing, please consider the following. If you want to mosey along, fine. I like to mosey sometimes too. But if there are people behind you, please realize that they might not want to waste the next ten minutes waiting on you to count change. At the very least, lay off the pennies. WAL MART likes quarters too you know.

time for a new banner?

2005-09-11T13:00:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I will keep this banner up but for right now it amuses me

3 Blades Good, 1 Blade Bad

2005-09-10T18:03:00.000-04:00

Writing a post everyday is a lot of work. I’m not sure what made me think I was that motivated. On the one hand, it’s cool to see that I am getting a lot more readers but, on the other hand, I am really not clever enough to come up with a new post everyday. It’s too much pressure. I can’t be funny on demand people [Insert your own joke here about me not being funny at all]. All that being said, today’s post is about shaving. Shaving you say? What could possibly be amusing about shaving? Well Curious George, let me tell you.

As it turns out, the type of razor that you use is very important when shaving. I know this because, having forgotten all of my toiletries in CT, I had to purchase temporary razors in TN. the results were not pretty.

As I was standing there in the aisle looking at disposable razors, you think that I would have gone ahead and purchased the nice triple bladed razors with the silky smooth lubricating strip that does not leave divots in your face. Seeing as how I am on expenses and typically drop money like I have a money tree up my @$$, you would think that in this case I would spring for those fancy disposable razors. Nope. If that’s what you thought, you thought wrong my friend. You see, I didn’t realize that a single blade disposable razor could be that bad. I figured, it’s just for the week, just get the cheap one. So, rather than spending a couple of extra bucks I ended up bringing home (home?) the single blade flesh-o-matic chunk stick. It most definitely does not have the silky smooth lubricating strip. Anyways, I shaved with it for the first time the other day and, let me tell you, it didn't feel good. By the time I finished shaving, it looked like someone with tuberculosis had spent the last 5 minutes coughing on my face. It wasn’t pleasant. So let this be a lesson to each and every one of you, when dealing with razors always buy the nice ones. Oh yeah, and NEVER shave side to side.

Hey Lenina, Pass the Soma Please.

2005-09-08T23:25:00.000-04:00

Don't bother reading this...its a waste of time.

Before I get into this, I do want to issue a disclaimer. The New Orleans situation sucks and whatever the media can do to help is definitely gold star material. That being said, you can’t tell me that you don’t get tired of hearing the same crap all the time. Why does the media latch onto one thing at a time when there are always a multitude of other real issues out there? Take for example the whole Social Security thing. Is this no longer a major problem? Why was this front-page news for so long and then “POOF” not word one about it for months and months? Not that I want to get blasted with Social Security crap again but shouldn’t we be hearing at least a little blurb every once in a while?
Who decides what we see in the news? Why is it the same on every single station? Well, rather than just bitching, I have decided that I should be constructive and actually give some suggestions to improve the news. Go:

1) News channels love body counts. Save some time and just put a body count meter at the top left corner of the screen. It can be just like in video games; the kids will love it.
Katrina: ###
Iraq Today: ###
Iraq Total: ###
2) Since the programming seems to be brainless, lets replace the reporters with sock puppets…except Bill O’Reilly; he already fits right in. Don’t worry; I don’t like extremist liberals either. I just really don’t like Bill; he’s overflowing himself.
3) Take all the out of context sound bites and make catchy jingles out of them.
4) Make Jon Stewart the Lead Anchor. Actually, I might not be kidding on this one; at least he would be funny.

Well that’s enough for today. This post really isn’t all that amusing and I’m bored with it. If you have read this far I’m sorry.

Can You Hear Me Now? Did You Really Want To?

2005-09-08T16:22:00.000-04:00

I hate not having service on my cell phone. So, it is lucky for me that the base that I am currently working on has ZERO service. As an added bonus, my cell phone doesn't work in the surrounding areas either. This makes communicating w/ friends difficult....above and beyond the fact that they never seem to pick up the phone when I am calling. We won't dwell on that though (Actually this is all a lie. I rarely call anyone; I hate phones...but I still want the option of making my short little phone calls when I want) . To make matters worse, on my birthday I completely lost my voice (obviously not my fault..just don't look at the b-day pics posted previously) and now I have a ton of phone calls that I need to return because I didn't pick up the phone for ~2 days. In an effort to re-establish communications I have considered the following options:

1) Smoke Signals: This is a time tested manner of communicating but the long distance rates are hell. Wood isn't cheap you know.

2) The Pony Express: They went out of business more than a century ago; who knew?

3) Landline: This seems plausible in theory but you need a calling card for personal calls outside of the base...which I have of course left in CT. I suppose I could buy a calling card at Wal Mart or something but that doesn't help me right now.

4) Lets face it, we all know that I don't have the attention span to come up with a fourth option.

SOOOooooo, short story long (at least longer than it needs to be) I will be hard to reach when I am working. That is all.

And the Lemming Says Oink

2005-09-07T17:21:00.000-04:00

I have had many people ask me if this blog has a pig theme. The follow up question is always, "With a name like lemming fodder, why are there so many pigs?" I am getting really tired of this line of questioning so I will put a stop to it right now. The fact of the matter is, I always got confused when singing "Old MacDonald had a Farm." Up until a week ago I thought lemmings were pink and liked slop. I had no idea that the pig says "oink" and that the lemming goes "splat." Of course, since I have now been educated, all future pictures will be of actual lemmings. Either that, or I will change the title of the blog to "And the Pig Says Oink."

Actually, screw all of that. Its my blog. It will stay lemming fodder and the mascot will be a pig...that runs off cliffs. There. Are you happy now?

I’m Not Really an Idiot But I Play One in Real Life

2005-09-06T17:05:00.000-04:00

Rather than leaving my current job and getting a new one that actually uses my MBA, I have been considering a new alternative. I am considering quitting my current job and entering The Amazing Race. Lets say I have an automatic in…which may or may not be true. As cool as it would be to travel all over the world performing a bunch of completely staged and ridiculous tasks (actually, it might be fun regardless of the completely staged and ridiculous tasks…if nothing else it would provide plenty to laugh at) I would have to be very wary of two things.

First, do I really want to be recognizable to complete strangers? Not that I would be. It’s more likely that I would get lost in the first leg of the race and leave the show long before anyone even started watching it.

Second, I would most likely end up looking like a complete idiot. The editors would have a field day with me. At least in real life I am able to balance the idiocy with some semblance of cleverness and the occasional stroke of…well, not genius, above average intelligence perhaps? By the time the editors were done, I would just be the guy who can’t keep left and right straight. Hell, sometimes I can’t keep straight straight. Hmmm, that didn’t sound good. I would like to clarify that I meant straight directionally speaking and directionally speaking ONLY. Anyways, moving on from that awkward moment…I really should just delete all of that but where is the fun in that? Today’s post is supposed to be a free flow stream of consciousness…the editor is out to lunch. Actually, the editor is usually out to lunch. That’s the root cause of about half of my idiocy. The other half comes from having no attention span. Actually, I can have an attention span…its just very selective. What was I talking about?

Rule of thumb, when you get lost, start a new paragraph. I really have no idea what I was talking about. I guess my point is, do I really want to televise my occasional retardedness on TV? I wonder what kind of money they get? Would they feed me regularly? More on this later.

Brief Update for Anybody Who Cares

2005-09-05T12:01:00.000-04:00

Point #1 Went to NYC yesterday....for those in the know, it went well.
Point #2 For those not in the know, NYC rocks regardless. If nothing else, its just cool to drive around the city on a Sunday in a convertible, especially when its 74 deg and sunny.
Point #3 Going to Tennessee tomorrow
Point #4 Tennessee is NOT New York.

Insert something funny here. Im not quite motivated enough. Actually, better idea. If you are looking for a chuckle, visit Could Be Worse (it is also on my side bar).

A Snippet of Idiocy, No Alcohol Required.

2005-09-02T09:43:00.000-04:00

Booked a reservation at a nice restaurant last night. Here is a snippet of the conversation:

Host: May I have your last name sir?
Me: Rhodes, R-H-O-D-E-S
Host: Like the scholar?
Me: uh....well...
[crickets]
Host: So more like the island then?
Me: Yeah, more like the island.

Remember when this blog was anonymous? Oh well.

Look over there, nothing to see here.

2005-08-31T19:05:00.000-04:00

The posts may dry up over the next week or two. I will be busy with things such as traveling back to TN, jet engine stuff, trying to find food in TN that isn't deep fried, living out of a suitcase, grinding my teeth and recovering from the last two weeks. I will most certainly not be busy updating my resume. Really. Stop looking at my desk. Nothing to see here.

If the posts dry up, check back later. They will pick up again.

Birthday Pics

2005-08-30T16:04:00.000-04:00

I will be adding to this post over the next day or two as more pics come in.

This may be why I love this bar. Also, note the brass monkey in my hand.

Got a lot of birthday kisses

Too many birthday kisses.

Cast of Characters

This is early in the night

This is not

Note the tequila pigs on the bar...they will be the subject of a later post.

I don't know why I lost my voice

Deaf, Dumb and Mute

2005-08-29T13:15:00.000-04:00

OK. So Im not really deaf...there is a slight ringing though.

Last night officially ended the two week birthday extravaganza and right now I am having a mini party in my head celebrating the fact that I am no longer celebrating anything. While I am enjoying my party of one, here is a synopsis of the idiocy.

A 12 step process to officially becoming Deaf Dumb and Mute
1) Celebrate your milestone birthday for 2 weeks...start on a Tuesday.
2) On each night you are out yell/sing at the top of your lungs. I suggest the following:
- ADD IT UP, Violent Femmes (I especially like the part where you get to yell everybody's favorite expletive...not "smurf")
- TNT, AC/DC (Who doesn't like yelling "oy!"?)
- BLACK BETTY
- MOTHER, Danzig
- WONDERWALL, Oasis
- WHITE WEDDING, Billy Idol (I suggest using a megaphone while yelling at the top of your lungs...I did. The way I see it, if you are going to be a mute, everyone else may as well be deaf)
3) Let the other loud and obnoxious person in the group have the megaphone.
4) Drink a brass monkey (I am not sure if the ringing in my ears is from the megaphone feedback 2 inches from my head or if it is from the brass monkey)
5) Drink a Seven Sees in a triple shot glass (about the brass monkey...its better than a triple Seven Sees)
6) Wish I remembered.
7) See 6)
8) See 7)
9) I think this step involved getting kissed by 4 hot girls, a biker chick AND THE BIKER. I have to go vomit (If I see the picture I may have to gouge my eyes out. Actually scratch that, the title is just deaf dumb and mute, isn't that enough?).
10) After you have finished steps 7, 8 and 9 it is time to wander aimlessly while avoiding "friends" who have more alcohol. FYI, this doesn't actually facilitate the process of becoming deaf, dumb and mute. It does however keep you alive so that you can enjoy being deaf, dumb and mute.
11) Now that your liver has had time to cure (not in the healing sense of the word), go back to the bar.
12) If you aren't drooling by now, try curling up in bed with a nice fatty bottle of champagne. When you wake up in the morning it will make some fine mimosas.

By the way, while wandering aimlessly outside of the bar I met a cute girl. I hope she likes "special" people.

Temporary Escape from the Cube

2005-08-25T11:54:00.000-04:00

Last night a group of friends and I were hanging out at a bar downtown. As far as Wednesday nights go it was fairly entertaining. The thing about Wednesdays is that when you are closing out a tab well after midnight, it makes it really hard to wake up in the morning and fill out your TPS reports. Well, fortunately for me, my own personal Lumbergh is out of the office and I don’t actually have to worry about whether or not my TPS report has a @#$%@ coversheet until Monday. This makes me happy. This also gives me zero incentive to actually leave at a decent hour. So, instead of closing the tab before midnight and going home to sleep, I opted to hang out with friends and “win” all of the Miller High-Life paraphernalia that was currently available. It was rather entertaining.
At the bar, they were having a promotional event that involved Miller High Life bottles and little white dots. If your bottle had a little white dot you win something. If it didn’t have a little white dot you didn’t win anything. This is very straight forward, right? Well that’s evidently not the case because some people had a really hard time with this concept. I was amazed to see most people go up to the bar and just ask for a High Life and then act all disappointed when they didn’t win anything. Come on people, how many times do you have to hear the rules. If you want to win something you have to order a High Life WITH a white dot. Repeat after me, “Amanda (the bartender..don't repeat this part), may I please have a High Life with a white dot on the bottom?” It’s not that hard.
I don’t understand why people were getting so worked up over a bunch of stupid shirts and other crap anyways.

Side note: I need to start testing engines again..there are only so many Office Space references that can be made.

General All Purpose Idiocy

2005-08-24T10:02:00.000-04:00

A few posts back I promised that I would write about some general all purpose idiocy. Unfortunately, time constraints prevented me from posting at all for a few weeks. Well, I am here to tell you that, as requested, your general all purpose idiocy is on the way. This weekend is a milestone birthday for me; Im turning.....uh, 26. As such, the idiocy is almost guaranteed. Well, it's actually ALWAYS guaranteed but we won't dwell on that.

Anyways, look for some interesting posts next week...not that I won't be posting in the meantime, because I might. No promises though. I might be busy updating a resume.

Hit Me Upside the Head w/ a Baseball Bat and Call Me Motivated.

2005-08-22T12:28:00.000-04:00

Today’s TO DO List:
1) Wake up at some point before noon.
2) Do something.
3) Find some manager at work to stomp out the last little bit of motivation that I have.

That is my plan for the day. Unfortunately, my computer at work is spitting out some nonsense about actual work that I should be doing. I am sure one quick call to the help desk can fix that.

Help Desk: Hello, how can I help you?
JPR: My computer keeps giving me messages that say I have to do stuff…like real work.
HD: Are you running Windows XP or 2000?
JPR: Does it matter?
HD: OK. Can you describe the “stuff”
JPR: Yes. The stuff is very listy and just reading it makes me angry.
HD: I will have to call a second tier expert for this one; I am actually only cleared to change passwords. Please hold.
JPR: Whatever
[Rod Stewart Muzak]
HD2: Hello, how can I help you?
JPR: My computer keeps giving me messages that say I have to do stuff…didn’t the last person I talked to tell you about it.
HD2: No sir. That would be efficient.
JPR: OK, fine. Can you just make my computer stop telling me to do stuff.
HD2: I think so. It sounds like a common virus we have been dealing with. Here is what I am going to do. First I am going to log onto your computer and install the latest service pack. Then I will update your password and delete all of your useful programs. K?
JPR: Whatever. Just fix it.
[Metallica Muzak (not really, I was just hoping. Too bad my hair is all short and professional looking right now. I could go for some good head banging at the moment)]
HD2: OK. That should do it. Just reboot your computer and everything should work just fine.
JPR: Sweet.
[Reboot]
JPR: All right. I have rebooted the computer but the screen is entirely blank. I just wanted it to stop telling me to do stuff...now its just playing dead. Can I still surf the interweb?
HD2: I will have to call a third tier expert for that.
JPR: Nevermind. This is good enough. Thanks.
HD2: No problem sir. And thanks for calling CSC, have a nice day…click.
JPR: [drool]

Down w/ Soy Beans!

2005-08-20T10:49:00.000-04:00

It has recently come to my attention that there are many people out there who have never heard of Soylent Green. This is really too bad. Soylent Green is a delicious and nutritious meal alternative. It is high in protein, low in fat and it is filled with a whole plethora of vitamins and minerals.

Charleton Heston first pitched the product in the 70’s in a rather uplifting infomercial named, quite cleverly, Soylent Green. Unfortunately, people mistook his 2 hour infomercial for a movie. After starring in the likes of Ben Hur and Planet of the Apes, people weren’t expecting Charles to go all Ron Popeil on them. This societal oversite was only a small setback. The real killer was the popularity of the soy bean. With all the green freaks promoting the soy bean all willy nilly, the soy bean completely overshadowed Soylent Green and prevented this wonderful product from ever meeting its full potential in the market place. Well, there was also that whole issue with the FDA but really, just because Soylent Green is people, that’s no reason to scrap a whole product line. Some people are just too sensitive. Next thing you know they will be telling us that we can’t eat dogs, dolphin or cat. Stupid FDA.

Sidenote: Ben Stein Just Said "F'ing" on FOX News...Awesome.

Back in the Cube

2005-08-17T11:20:00.000-04:00

I’m back in the cube.
Here is a comprehensive list of the things that are good in cubes:
1) Cheese

As you can see, I am clearly not in that list.

Before I start complaining about the cube, I do have to say that being in CT (I am only saying this because we have not yet entered the 7 month CT winter) is better than being in TN. The weather is perfect and I am hoping that the social scene is as good as it was when I left for TN seven weeks ago. So, overall, things aren’t bad. OK, now that we got that out of the way, back to complaining about cubes.

Since I seem to be in a list making mood today, here are the things that make cubes (of the office variety specifically) unpleasant.
1) Who wants to be closed up in a box under fluorescent lights…not me.
2) Office cubicle grey or beige…I may as well be hanging out in the gulag.
3) Straight lines freak me out man.
4) I feel like I should be addressed by number. “E600910. E600910. Please report to the cube of X11238. Your presence is required now.” Actually, I am going to start addressing my co-workers by their #’s. “Hey E601380, lets go to Bradley’s and have a beer.”
5) "PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean?
6) The fact that the walls supposedly offer privacy but for some reason you can still hear every phone conversation within the adjacent 50 cubes.
7) The unbearable urge to tell everyone that they have been assimilated. If I succumb to this, next thing you know I will be snorting uncontrollably every time I start laughing.
8), eight. I forget what eight was for but EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!

Lets see. So far there is a reference to Russian prisons, Office Space, Star Trek and the Violent Femmes. I think that is good enough for one days work. Im off to burn down my cube.

Word Power (Readers Digest Please Dont Sue)

2005-08-16T10:15:00.000-04:00

Magnanomous
Magnanamous
Magnanimous
The stupid word is hard to spell and even harder to say. So what in the hell makes people think that its even a good idea to be...that word up there. I mean, that word is obviously a pain in the ass for a reason. Oh well, too late now. I have already wasted all of those syllables.

On the upside, yesterdays post was kind of entertaining.

An Altogether Pleasant Day

2005-08-15T16:45:00.000-04:00

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

New(ish) Car for JPR

2005-08-11T13:54:00.000-04:00

I just bought a car for temporary use in CT.

I think it was a steal.

Here is how it all went down:
So there I am (I hate stories that start off like this, its so cheesy…oh well) in the used car lot, not intending to buy a car at all. I tried a few different cars but I really wasn’t happy with any of them. Then I saw a 2004 Sebring Convertible at the front of the lot. Now I really hadn’t intended on actually getting a Sebring Convertible but I figured, “what the hell, lets take it for a spin.”
The thing is, I had considered getting a Sebring Convertible previously but had decided against it. I love the convertible part of it but the rest of it is kind of old mannish. Plus, it’s a Chrysler. But, on the other hand, it’s the only convertible that I fit in (aside from a BMW 645 Ci and, for ~$70,000, that is a little more than I wanted to spend on a temporary car.) and I have really enjoyed the benefits of having a convertible in the past. All this aside, I had decided that I wasn’t going to get a Sebring…and yet there I was taking it for a spin.
Next thing you know I am back in the lot and the sales person is telling me the price; "That'll be $16999" he says. “HA!” I said. “Are you kidding?” The Blue Book Retail for this car is $16000, you’re overcharging $1000 (I had spent the previous hour looking at Blue Book prices for a bunch of different cars at 10,000 25,000 and 35,000 miles...apparently this included Sebrings). Then it happened. Just for shits and giggles I made a ridiculous counter offer: “We are approaching the end of the summer. Nobody is going to buy this car once September rolls around. You should really be trying to sell it for a lot less to get it off of the lot now. By the time next summer gets here and people are looking to buy convertibles again, the car will have depreciated and it will only be worth ~$14500 (probably an exaggeration on my part...I just feel horrible, really). If you will give it to me now for that much I might consider it. That puts the money in your pocket eight months sooner than you would have had it otherwise.”

After a lot of back and forth and me starting to walk away several times, they finally agreed to $14500.
“Shit”I wasn’t actually prepared to buy a car…and the Sebring no less? I was just seeing how low I could get them to go. I didn’t think they would cave in that much. Well, long story slightly less long, I did it. I bought the damn car. So, as of Monday, there will be no more rental cars in CT for me.

So now the question is, whats wrong with it? The CARFAX report came back clean and the car is certified. Is there a catch? It wasn't exactly easy but how come they finally agreed to such a low #?

Oh well, not much I can do about it now. So long.

Not Rocket Science

2005-07-22T10:55:00.000-04:00

I have decided that Not Rocket Science is my new favorite blog. Not because the content is the absolute best (although it is good) and not because there are pictures of scantily clad women (there aren't...Im just saying, if there were). I like N.R.S. because the author is just as much of a slacker as I am when it comes to updating his blog.

This whole blog thing can be a real pain in the ass when you have work to do. I mean come on, its like a summer fling gone bad. You are hanging around the beach, you don't have much to do and you meet a cute girl. Next thing you know you are giving a good portion of your time to said girl but its no big deal. What else were you going to do anyways. Then the summer ends and you all of a sudden have all of this work to do. Not so much time for the girl now. Then she starts nagging, "Pay attention to me!"

This is when you realize that it was just a summer fling. Sorry dear, new season.

Now, Im not saying that I am going to dump my blog. Im just on a break. How long you ask? I don't know. Im guessing that once I get out of TN I will start updating twice a week. Thats about all I can commit to...and to think, its just a blog.

I Lied

2005-07-19T11:15:00.000-04:00

As it turns out, I am not going to write about anything.
Next post by Sunday.

Too much to do.

Whats Next?

2005-07-08T08:44:00.000-04:00

I haven't actually had time to write anything in a while but there has been a lot of action. The problem is, now that I do have some time, I don't actually have enough of that time to write about it all. As such, I have decided to give, you the readers (both of you), the opportunity to choose what I, the dumbass, writes about. So, without further ado, here are the choices:

1) Full Contact Beer Pong
2) The Beach, Psycho Babes and Lobster Rolls....mmmm, Lobster Rolls.
3) Harbor Park Fireworks w/ Every Single Bartender in CT.
4) Traveling to TN, Southwest Style
5) Tennessee, the Agriculture and Commerce State (what a crappy state motto).
6) The Superhero MEME (I was supposed to do this a while ago but never had time)
7) General, All Purpose Idiocy, by Me.

If you don't like these choices, well, I don't care.

How to Turn 30 with Style

2005-06-29T12:05:00.000-04:00

The other night I attended the party of a friend who was turning 30. Over the course of 3 hours I experienced some of the best party fouls ever. I’m not just talking spilled beer here. I’m talking full-fledged brain cell annihilation with out of control shenanigans.

For starters, when I showed up, the birthday boy was already a little wobbly. As I stuck around, his condition only got better (from an amusement point of view I mean). You remember weebles? You know, “They weeble and they wobble but they don’t fall down.” Well, whether you remember weebles or not, I can assure you my friend is NOT a weeble. He is not even the second cousin, five times removed, of a weeble. No sir, the birthday boy, although good at the weebling and the wobbling, was most definitely a faller-downer. And not only was he a faller-downer but he did it with style.

Picture a big glass window. Now picture those bird silhouettes that they put on them so that the birds don’t fly smack right into the big glass windows. Next, take away that bird silhouette and picture what happens as that bird flies “BLAMMO!” right into the window. Pretty funny huh? (assuming of course that the bird isn’t hurt…I don’t want PETA boycotting this site. I could lose my entire fan base…of 2 people)

OK. Now make the glass window a screen door and make the bird the birthday boy. It was just like in the cartoons when Daffy Duck goes running through a wall...only funny. Below is the B-day boy passed out some time later with the remainder of the screen door. Somebody please remind me to leave the state when I turn 30 in August.

Will write more later... (full contact beer pong)

The Pro's and Con's of Going Topless

2005-06-27T11:54:00.000-04:00

Convertibles are pretty cool. On a nice day you can cruise around and absorb the day in its entirety. There is no pesky roof to get in the way and, even in CT, everything seems just fine. That is until you take off your shirt and you have someone else’s arms.

I can only imagine what it must have been like for Frankenstein. I mean, holy crap! You take a look in the mirror and your arms don’t match your torso. Who the hell do these arms belong to? Did some crazy ass Brazilian drug me and swap out my arms. Do I have to go to the doctor and make sure that I have all of my organs? I don’t remember waking up in a bathtub of ice. But then, who knows what crazy new Brazilian technologies those sneaky Brazilians are developing down there…in Brazil.

I have to say though, whoever swapped out my arms did a pretty good job. You can’t even see a scar where the overly tan arm abruptly turns into a pasty white shoulder. Surgery without scarring, the South Florida folk are going to love it. Now we just have to find out how those crazy Brazilians are doing it…at the very least so that I can get my arms back. Hmmm…or maybe I could just get a matching torso, preferably one that can bench press about 265.

On another note, how do girls feel about guys that are two toned? I mean, it could be the next big thing, kind of like the racing stripes on some cars…only not at all the same. These things are important; I really need to know.
Well, I don’t have time to write any more. I have to go find my arms.

Not Quite Good Enough to Finish Lance Armstrong Style.

2005-06-23T19:36:00.000-04:00

Today was a good day. I slept in, had a long lunch with the cute librarian and then played golf all afternoon. The golf was rather amusing. I had not actually swung a club in many many months so I didn't have high hopes for the afternoons outing. Due to this fact, we decided that the winner of each hole would be the one who played less sucky. The least sucky player after 9 holes would then be declared the winner. I have to say, playing golf this way is a lot less frustrating.

After the first 6 wholes I had played less sucky on 3 and my friend had played less sucky on the other 3. Going into the 7th hole, it was a close race. This was (you had to see something like this coming) before his golf ball went all Wizard of Oz on him. Off of the tee, his ball landed square on the golf path and followed it a good 30 yards. After the drop and his second shot, his ball proceeded to bounce off of a tree, land on the golf path and then follow it yet another 30, 40 yards. Now, this by itself is pretty damn funny but it didn't stop here. The next shot again seemed afraid of leaving the path. I could almost hear the munchkins chanting in the background, "Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road." Meanwhile, across in the woods I was getting nervous. I fully expected the winged monkeys to come and take me away. And, although I do like the ladies, that cackling witch isn't really my cup of tea.

Fortunately, no winged monkeys came and we managed to finish all 9 holes. Given the lunch date w/ the librarian, the golf outing and the complete lack of monkeys flinging poo from the sky, I have to say that today was a good day.

The "We Missed the Wedding" Party

2005-06-20T12:45:00.000-04:00

The cast of characters this weekend included 1 rather large pirate (no parrot), a debatably insane supervillain bearing a strong resemblance to Jim Henson's Grover, several lushes, one definitely insane girl, several violent lushes, Mr. Roboto, a hot librarian, one really drunk guy who made out with one really hideous girl, Mr. Clean, Colonel Sanders (a younger much cooler version and without the white suit), Benny Hinn (the crazy faith healer) and a partridge in my #!&%*? pear tree (metaphorically speaking of course). Many of the above characters were in town for a wedding that was to take place at 10 AM on Saturday morning. 10 AM...right.

On Friday night, one of the funnier violent lushes and the rather large pirate decided that it would be a good idea to finish a full bottle of Grape Mad Dog 20/20...the big bottle. They succeeded and hilarity ensued.

I can't honestly tell you exactly what happened after that. I do recall the bartender putting a case of Schlitz on ice just for us. I might also recall seeing my vocal cords spattered all over the bar after a rousing version of White Wedding by Billy Idol. I might also recall meeting a hot librarian somewhere along the way. I definitely recall waking up on Saturday at 11:30 AM...fortunately, since I was not invited to the wedding in question, I was also not late. This was not true for others in the group...we wont name names (actually I never name names in this blog so it really doesn't matter).

On Saturday night, the group grew. Again, I am not going to write about the entire night in all of its glory but I will tell you that the rather large pirate did the robot dance on a bar stool to everybody's favorite song, Mr. Roboto. I will also tell you that Benny Hinn left some rather large bruises on the foreheads of the less fortunate. If they couldn't walk before, they definitely couldn't now. Fortunately, Benny was able to heal my vocal cords from the night before. This allowed for an instant replay of the previous night....ouch.

That brings us to Sunday. The summary: a good lunch with the alter ego's of all the aforementioned crazy people and a good date with the librarian.

THE END

COX Sucks!

2005-06-20T11:02:00.000-04:00

COX Cable has finally fixed the connection at my current place of residence. This means more mediocre posts just for you. It also means that I am more likely to get lucky and actually post something funny or entertaining...no promises.

I imagine that I will have some good posts tonight given the craziness that took place this weekend. That is, of course, unless I get distracted by my very own hot librarian (No relation to www.thehotlibrarian.blogspot.com ...sorry THL).

Until then,
have a nice day.

60 Steps; Seems Like Way Too Much Work.

2005-06-16T15:23:00.000-04:00

They have 12 step programs for alcoholics
They have 12 step programs for drug users
They have 12 step programs for gluttons (wait, is weight watchers a 12 step program?)
They have 12 step programs for sex addicts
What I really want to know is, do they have a 12 step program for idiots?

This is really important. I need to know. I am already in need of several 12 step programs. I figure that, while I am at it, I may as well add another 12. Hello, my name is J P R and I am an idiot.

I am at a stoplight. 50 feet past the intersection is another stoplight. As I am talking to friends, I see the light turn green and step on the gas. What is wrong with this you ask? The light in front of me was still red....oops.
I am going down the road, talking to a friend. I stop at the traffic light and receive looks of confusion from my friend. It turns out that stopping at a green light is not proper driving etiquette.
In a conversation that I am having rather emphatically, I slap my hand down on the table while making a point. Unfortunately everybody promptly forgot what I was saying because my finger hit the tines of a fork and sent it flying, spinning through the air just milimeters from my left eyeball.
I frequently lose days of the week.
I was off a whole day for 3 days last week. I have also lost an entire month.

Which brings me to today. I am looking for an idiot recovery program and I need a sponsor. If you would like to be my IA sponsor, please let me know. I would be most grateful.

Funny sidenote:
I had a friend describe my head perfectly. On a digital readout, I might have an IQ of 163 but the 1 flickers on and off....a lot.

This Will Give You a New Appreciation for Evolution/God/Whatever Floats Your Boat.

2005-06-16T14:15:00.000-04:00

This stick figure thing is cool.
www.sodaplay.com

Be forewarned though. It can be very frustrating at first. Everything has to be just right in order to make everything actually move in a forward direction.

Rainbow Bright...not just a cartoon anymore.

2005-06-12T15:04:00.000-04:00

Rainbow Brights are evil. E-V-I-L, evil. There you are, sitting at the bar with some friends just trying to have some fun and socialize a little bit. The next thing you know you are chugging Rainbow Brights with some girls just because they are cute. The thing is, each one goes down sooooo easily. Its like fruit punch.

"What exactly is a Rainbow Bright," you ask? Well, since I am such a nice guy I will tell you. It is one shot glass with all of the flavored vodkas (no peppar) and then dropped into a half glass of red bull. After dropping, the proper method of consumption is chugging. Sipping it is frowned upon. But it really does taste like fruit juice and chugging it is not at all unpleasant. You almost feel healthy after drinking it...thats just the red bull kicking in though; if you wait about 8 hours then you will definitely know otherwise. Since they go down so easy and cute girls seem to like them so much, Rainbow Brights tend to come in waves. They are kind of like Lays potato chips, you can't have just one. You might think you can have just one but there is inevitably someone there with another. My advice, DONT START.

Fortunately, in a lot of cases, the name makes not starting really easy. I mean really, can you imagine walking into a biker bar and ordering a Rainbow Bright? I think thats a good way to get beat up by the guy who is wearing the leather XXL MURDERCYCLES jacket. OK, so the biker bar is a little extreme. Who would be dumb enough to go in there in the first place? Certainly not me...ok, maybe me. But not most people. The point is, unless you are surrounded by cute girls OR you are 6-8 and 250 pounds with a pirate beard, ordering a drink called the Rainbow Bright can raise some questions.

So that brings me to right now, sitting on the couch cursing those girls for being too #$^%#% cute. Was it fun last night? Yes. Fun now? Definitely not. This just serves as a reminder that drinking too much vodka is bad. Its really not something that you want to do on a normal basis. Occasionally, yes. Frequently, no. That is why, from now on, I will drink nothing but rum.

Back in Blog and Jerry Hall = Gross

2005-06-09T15:24:00.000-04:00

Writing a test plan that is 80 pages long is distinctly not fun. However, it is now done and I am back on the blogging bandwagon. Time for all the fans to celebrate. Hell, I will even cover the drinks....the bill shouldn't be more than $12.

Anyways, I am in CT and w/ the nice weather it has not been so bad. I may even enjoy myself for the next couple of months. I will have friends coming to visit on several of the upcoming weekends and soon after that I will be flying to Orlando to party down with my great aunt and the family for her 75th B-day. Good stuff. OK, that should get everybody up to date. Now for the important matters on the agenda:
#1 Jerry Hall disgusts me. In my previous post I made reference to winning on Kept. This was well before I saw 5 minutes of the actual show. I don't think I could hang out with someone that superficial...especially if they aren't hot* (and Jerry is about 2,562 cigarettes past being hot). If I had to compete on the show I would lose in the first 5 minutes for the following:
1) sarcastic comments at her expense.
2) telling her to stop smoking around me (I can tolerate nice people smoking to a point...otherwise go away).
3) asking her what its like to turn 60.
4) dropping the f'bomb repeatedly because I am a parrot and currently work with a plethera of mechanics and crazy people.
5) telling her that she would make a fantastic supervillain...actually, Im not sure about this one. She might actually be a supervillain.

OK, this is all very harsh for someone that I don't really know but, when you start a show like Kept, what do you expect.

*Just in case somebody doesn't see the humor in this statement, let me spell it out: the "especially if they aren't hot" comment would make me just as superficial and was written tongue in cheek for a joke. I am not really that superficial (although don't get me wrong, if you are a cute girl and want a date, feel free to let me know)

#2 Well, Im actually too lazy to write a #2 item on the agenda. It will have to wait for another day.

Im out.

What if I was a...

2005-05-25T13:48:00.000-04:00

Fear my super powered army of oompa loompas

As a rule, I generally do not participate in these blog lists. However, in this one case I will make an exception....just because the person who tagged me with it is really nice.

I am supposed to list what I would do if I had 5 other occupations...there were some other words involved but they just seemed to complicate the matter. So, without further ado, here is my "What if I was a..." list.

What if I was

1) a supervillain:

Then I would spend all day coming up with crackpot strategies to take over the world and impose my will over the entire population of earth. Dont worry, this just means that everything is pretty much the same except that I have a big yacht, cool toys and a really cool Fortress of Doom.

2) a supergenius genetic scientist:

Then I would create a large army of super powered oompa loompas and become a supervillain...see item #1.

3) the winner of Jerry Halls "Kept":

She is a little old for me but what the hell...I wouldn't leave. Maybe she could help me with my plans to take over the world.

4) the dictator of a small island with 12 people, 9 mice, and a lot of plants and trees:

Then I would forget about becoming a supervillain and concentrate on training the mice to be in the worlds most amazing mouse circus. I would also have the 12 people build equally amazing tree houses and make my island a small but expensive tourist attraction. I would use the revenues to buy more islands, grow my fortune and subsequently take over the world.

5) a supergenius mechanical engineer:

I would build cool jet engine powered machines to take over the world...just as soon as that loan from the bank comes through.

NFL Look Out, Here Comes the NFBL

2005-05-12T08:21:00.000-04:00

I have decided that I need to start a league for my favorite sport: football bat. I can't decide if it should be the NFBA or the NFBL. OR, maybe I could follow in the footsteps of other startup leagues and call it the AFBA or AFBL.
For those of you who do not know what football bat is, here is how you play.

Equipment:
1 woofle ball bat...preferably the big fat yellow kind.

Rules:
1) The game starts out w/ the woofle ball bat in the center of the field.
2) When the ref blows the whistle, everyone runs toward the bat to pick it up.
3) Once someone has established control of the bat, all other players must tackle him/her and try to get the bat.
4) The bat carrier is allowed to either run or defend himself with the bat.
5) Once the bat carrier has a knee or backside hit the ground he/she must give up the bat.
6) The game ends when everyone is afraid to pick up the bat again OR when everybody else is afraid to tackle the bat carrier.

Determining the winner:
If there is a bat carrier left standing, that person is the winner.
If everyone is afraid to pick up the bat, the player who carried the bat the longest is the winner.

So there you have it, football bat.

I figure that Football Bat will be the next Slam Ball, Roller Derby or Dodge Ball. They seem to love televising these things on TNN (or some channel like that). I predict that Football Bat will grow to astronomic proportions and that not only will it make it off of TNN and onto a major network but that it will also become the new national pastime. In my opinion something needs to replace Hockey AND Baseball.

If there is anything that doesn't make sense in this post (like football bat), I am all doped up on Nyquil...its not my fault.

Litigous Local Caught In Snowbird Migration

2005-05-10T09:39:00.000-04:00

NY plate, NJ plate, Ontario Plate, CT plate....how are there no FL plates in FL?

Today I showed up to work at 7:15 AM and I was very confused. I couldn't figure out how I ended up at work almost half an hour early. At this point in the morning everything is in a serious haze and my brain is on auto-pilot so I really had to think about this.
Did I set the alarm right? Yes. I definitely remember trying to kill the alarm clock at 5:45 AM.
Did I forget to do something? Deodarant...check; teeth brushed...check; pants...check.
Then it hit me. There was no traffic this morning. All of the snowbirds have finally left and I can now sleep an extra 30 minutes in the morning. This is cause for celebration................AND A FREAKIN LAWSUIT!
I am suing everyone north of NJ who comes down to WPB just to vacation over the winter. Those bastards have cost me way too much sleep and I am going to sue them all for being detrimental to my health and well being; also for being a pain in my ass. I figure that for all the days I had to work first shift, they cost me anywhere between 15 and 30 minutes. In season, this would be around 75 days. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, I will say 20 minutes * 75 days. This comes out to 1,500 minutes of my time wasted in snowbird migration patterns. At about $50 an hour, the snowbirds collectively owe me $1250 in lost time. I WANT MY MONEY AND I WANT IT NOW!
If you are a snowbird, I will accept checks, money orders and cash.

Take the Pig Personality Test

2005-05-06T14:27:00.000-04:00

This is my pig (Keep in mind I drew this with the touchpad on a laptop).

Click on the link to the right to take the test and find out what my pig means.

I Hate SAP (my most clever title to date)

2005-05-06T08:13:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: This starts off really slow and highlights just how big of a nerd I can be. A whole post about software...where in the hell is my pocket protector.

I read an article the other day about ERP software. The most interesting point in it was that the major ERP companies (think SAP) spend a majority of their revenues on advertising and trying to convince big business that their products are THE products to have.

To me this seems like it would lead to some serious problems. First off, if all of this money is being spent on advertising, what is being used to hire programmers to continually improve the software? Seems to me that this just leads to a very mediocre product that will quickly fall out of date. This in turn leads to the problem of acquiring and maintaining customers.

With a mediocre product, how do you get customers to buy it? I know! Spend more money on advertising. Spend oodles of $$$$ to convince all of the bonehead executives at major companies that your product is the one that they absolutely have to have. Make sure to use lots of little flashy, sparkly things to distract the executives from the lower cost alternatives that work way better but are not included in their list of executive buzzwords (again think SAP). That way, your customers employees (think me) can spend 5 x longer when trying to get anything done using your poorly thought out product.

Customer testimonial: Hi! My name is jpr and I #$%&$% LOVE SAP. Before when I did expense reports, I could get a months worth done in an hour. Now, with SAP, when I do expense reports I have to click on 5x as many buttons to do the exact same freaking thing. This keeps me from having to do any real work. Plus, when it is time to look the expense report over for mistakes, SAP puts it in a nice user-notfriendly format so that I can just say screw it and send it in as is. I LOVE SAP!

I would write more but I am still doing expense reports.

All Work and No Play Makes JPR a Dull Boy

2005-04-30T09:11:00.000-04:00

After going too long with all work and no play, at some point you just have to say enough is enough (cliche alert) and go out to have fun, work be damned. Now before you start nodding your head in agreement, keep this in mind...I do dumb things. The whole work hard, play hard concept is a great concept right up until you get to the work part of it. Then it all falls apart.
Segue to jpr's idiocy
Here is the short version:
- JPR goes out for 3 drinks with a friend, Mr T.
- JPR has to work a 12 hr shift in the morning
- Mr T has to catch an early flight
- Bar + too much fun
- Microwave Pizza at 5 AM
- Pre-arranged phone call to JPR: "Wake up, we are going to start running in 45 minutes"
- JPR, "%$?$#! bastards"
- JPR, calls Mr T to leave a message like "Enjoy the hangover on your flight dumbass"
- Mr T picks up the phone
- JPR says, "Aren't you supposed to be on a plane right now?"
- Mr T says, "Uh, yeah"
- JPR points and laughs and then goes to work where he is miserable for the next 13 hours.

I would give you more details but, to be perfectly honest, I can't. As for Mr T, don't worry. He was able to jump on a later flight and catch his Barry Manilow concert in California with plenty of time to spare.

Screw It, Its a Rental

2005-04-28T09:05:00.000-04:00

Places not to Park #6: Place with signs that say "Tank Demonstration"

It turns out that rental cars and I do not get along. All sorts of bad things always seem to happen to my rental cars. It's probably my fault but the beauty of a rental car is that I really don't have to admit this. Here is how it works:

Step 1) Pick up rental car

Step 2) Drive away in rental car and look forward to a good time.

Step 3) Do something with the rental that you know you shouldn't ...but screw it, its a rental.

Step 4) Curse profusely when something bad happens and you have to deal with it.

Step 5) Blame anything else for the problem

Step 6) Get over it and ask another girl out.

For the record, its not my fault AVIS doesn't have any good cars. Plus, Im not ready for a monthly payment.

Moving on, here is a list of 5 places not to park your car:

1) A handicap space at a police station

2) In front of a fire hydrant at a towing company

3) Connecticut

4) The traintracks

5) Behind a hole in the wall in downtown Lake Worth

I usually do not have a hard time with the above list. That is until the other night when I ignored rule 5 (I bet you didn't see that one coming). The thing is, as I mentioned above, its way too easy to neglect your rental car. I mean really, in the worst case scenario you have to fill out some paper work and go pick up a new car. Sounds easy right? HAAAA! It turns out that waiting for a cop to file a police report in Lake Worth is worse than a trip to the dentist.

Before I get ahead of myself, let me tell you what happened. While I was in the bar, one of the many fine, upstanding citizens of Lake Worth decided that a window of my car needed to be smashed. I am not sure what the window did to enrage this person but it must have been pretty rude. When I came out later the window was obviously regretting whatever it had done. Stupid window (again, since it's a rental I do not actually have to admit any fault. The window was obviously to blame). So, long story short, I waited forever to fill out a police report, waited forever for a new car and spent way too much time filling out paperwork.

The moral of this story: Screw it, its a rental.

The moral of that moral: jpr is very dense.

Tomorrows post: What Else Has Happened to JPR's Rental Cars?

Dissecting the Brain of JPR

2005-04-23T14:49:00.000-04:00

I am beginning to think that half of my brain is some strange mix of obsessive compulsive, ADHD and freaking retarded. It only seems to operate if specific conditions are met and even then its a crap shoot. If those conditions are not met the stupid thing locks up like a deer in headlights (yes, this is in fact another cliché). Its not like I have to watch Judge Wapner every day at 3:00 and I definitely do not buy my underwear at K-Mart, BUT, I definitely do have a ton of pain in the ass quirks.

Problems with the brain of jpr:

- When I am trying to explain something I HAVE to have a pen or pencil in my hand. No pencil and I lose half of my brain cells to thinking about the fact that there is no pencil in my hand.

- When taking a test, lined paper is a must. No lined paper and the brain loses any capability for linear thought. If a cop asked my brain to walk a linear thought with no lined paper, my brain would end up in jail for public intoxication (did that make any sense at all?).

- When someone is giving me instructions verbally I tend to remember what they were wearing and what they looked like but not anything that they say. Things tend to go as follows: 99% of my brain --> "Look! Glasses, and a BLUE sweater...and check out that piece of lint on the left shoulder....cooool" The other 1% --> "For the love of god, turn on the ears!"

Things get really dicey when caffeine is added. If my brain gets ANY caffeine, it gets going way too fast and the wheels come off the track. Here is my written interpretation: idea.... ........idea.... ......idea....idea..idea.idea.ide..idea.ide.ai..dead. At this point 99% of my brain cells start drooling on themselves and the other 1% are bug-eyed and screaming, "For the love of god, why aren't you working!" Oh, and I should mention that half of the ideas aren't even that good to begin with.

Really, when it comes down to it, my brain cells are probably allocated as follows:

Brain cells focused on girls: 50%

Brain cells focused on food acquisition: 20%

Brain cells that just drool: 20%

Brain cells that buzz around like a hummingbird looking for sugar: 10%

Brain cells that can actually walk a straight line: 5%

Brain cells focused on Math: 1%

Brain cells that actually file tax returns on time: still hiring

So there you have it, thats my brain in a nutshell (and amazingly, it fits).

Monkey Toe Man Joins the X-Men

2005-04-19T17:07:00.000-04:00

STOP MAKING FUN OF MY @#$*%!# TOES!

My entire life people have always had commentary about my toes. They are very long. I personally, have always been quite happy with my extremely functional, and in my opinion, charming, toes. If there is something on the ground to pick up, why bend over? I can just snag whatever it is with my toes. Hands full and you need to grab something you dropped? No problem if you have monkey toes. Need to pivot on the basketball court? Monkey toes are great for pivoting. I can pivot like a madman…look at me go; pivot, pivot, pivot! (too bad money toes do not help with an outside shot). Balance? Monkey toes are quite functional there as well. Now, as far as mutations go, I would much rather have gotten a cool giant red laser beam that shoots out of my eyeballs or maybe superhuman strength. People don’t make rude commentary if you have superhuman strength (at least not loudly).

Unfortunately, my special mutation is not even close to being worthy of super hero status. If I was a superhero, even Aquaman would make fun of me. That’s pretty low on the superhero totem pole. I mean come on, he talks to fish and is a good swimmer…whoopty freakin doo. As it is I already have people making all sorts of comments about my weird toes. I certainly don’t need Aquaman making fun of me. However, despite the rather insensitive commentary and despite getting jipped out of both the laser eyeballs and superhuman strength I am quite happy with my monkey toes. As far as I am concerned they’re not hairy and they are definitely functional. This is good enough for me. Besides, it could be worse; I could have gills

(I was going to start this post: “Long appendages seem to run in my family…” but then realized that this was going to take things WAY off track).

Put the Snot Nosed Little Brat on Rinse and Spin

2005-04-17T11:42:00.000-04:00

This is what happens when kids stare at the spin cycle for too long.

Today I went to the laundromat for the first time in years. As it turns out, laundromats STILL suck. For starters, there were a ton of snot nosed little brats running around. In case you think that I have something against little kids I will also say that there were several kids who were just fine, I had nothing against them. The snot nosed little brats however needed to have ice cream sandwiches eaten in front of them. "MMMMMMM. This ice cream sandwich is Soooooo good. OH man am I full. I guess that I will just have to throw the rest away. Wow was that good."

If it was just the snot nosed little brats, things wouldn't have been so bad. But snot nosed little brats sticking their grubby little hands in my laundry, running around with laundry carts that I need and just generally being in the way...this sucks. At first it was getting on my nerves but I have to say, the ice cream sandwich was very calming. So I have an evil streak..sue me.

Why the laundromat you ask? I had about 5 loads of laundry to do before my plane took off for Florida. Since I only had 3 hours, the laundromat seemed like the way to go. I guess stuff like this happens when you procrastinate. But, since I am extraordinarily good at procrastinating, I have come to accept things like this...........hmmm....... Speaking of procrastination, today is April 16th. Can you guess what I just remembered NOT doing on time? I guess now is a good time to end this post.

2005-04-15T18:48:00.000-04:00

2005-04-15T18:42:00.000-04:00

Not Controls..still funny

2005-04-15T18:39:00.000-04:00

2005-04-15T18:36:00.000-04:00

Uh...how many staples?

Going Back to FL

2005-04-12T15:50:00.000-04:00

Pic 1: Me in CT doing Run Program Checkout

Pic 2: Me back in FL this next week blowing up engines.

BOOYAH!

Apologies to THL for shamelessly stealing her link.

Still Not Lemonade But Working On It.

2005-04-11T17:10:00.000-04:00

Things are starting to get in order here. It is looking like my short stay in CT wont totally suck.

TRANSPORTATION
I think that I may have a beat up jeep to drive for the next few months. I don't know how to drive a stickshift yet but I suppose I am about to figure it out. It can't be any worse than when I used to play video games...right? Wait. I think that I was horrible at the racing games. We will just forget about that for the moment. I figure an hour in the parking lot and I will be good to go.
SHELTER
As for a place to stay...this is a little less than desirable. I am currently staying at a friends place in a SINGLE bed. I am 6-5. Single beds are not made for people who are 6-5. Actually, I don't think single beds are made for anybody over the age of 18. I would have a lot more commentary here about the uselessness of a single bed but I know that I have relatives who read this blog. As such, I will move on.
FOOD
Even though I am not on expenses anymore I think I can manage. My base salary isn't really that crappy.

So that covers the basics. I can get by. With respect to future posts, I might be a while. Things have been pretty busy here and I haven't really had time for this blog (job hunt or blog...I have to go with job hunt). Maybe next week I will start posting again. And with any luck it might actually be about something amusing instead of all this CT crap.

Another CT Inspired Post

2005-04-06T19:12:00.000-04:00

I am going to apologize in advance for the cranky undertones that will probably be apparent in my posts for the next couple of days. If you have read any of my posts concerning Connecticut you know why I am cranky.

I think that today I will list the pro’s and con’s of Connecticut. We will start with the con’s because they make me feel better.

Cons
1) 95% of the girls are either overweight or in Boston. For any girls in CT who might be reading this, don’t worry. I’m sure you are in that elusive 5%.

2) Every populated area in CT becomes a ghost town after 8:30 (AM or PM is debatable).

3) Hartford is in the top 10 of the most stressful cities in the United States. City officials try and sell the fact that alot has changed since 2000. I will tell you that they are full of crap...the really stink kind.

4) Connecticut doesn't like people between the ages of 23 and 33. I am not kidding. EXHIBIT A is from census data taken in 2000 (Don't make fun of my makeshift graph...its not bad for an MS Paint drawing).

EXHIBIT A

Now for the pro's.

1) Being in Connecticut gives me something to write about.

Well, that wraps that up. Maybe I will add to this post later...or maybe I wont.

UPDATE: OK, AFTER THE SPRING AND SUMER HERE, CT WASN'T SO BAD. HOPEFULLY THE WINTER ISN'T BAD EITHER.

I Need a Tanker of Sugar; This Lemon Is Huge.

2005-04-04T23:15:00.000-04:00

I was just told that I will be in CT for 3-6 months. This means several things to me:

1) I really should have pursued that job at GBI...wonder if it is still there?
2) I need a car for the next 3-6 months
3) I need a place to stay for the next 3-6 months
4) I will be looking at other jobs until I am actually on the road again...only this time I am going to be a lot less picky. Being in Tennessee on expenses is one thing. Being in CT on my crappy ass base salary is entirely another beast. Carnegie Mellon Job Center here I come.

The one good thing about being in CT while looking for a job is that there is nothing to distract you.

OK, back to finishing my normally scheduled post...see below.

Las Katty's; Where Nobody Knows Your Name...Or English.

2005-04-04T15:48:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Las Katty's.

Do you have a valid drivers license? Ha ha, just kidding.

What you really need is a mustache like this.

Last Saturday night was my 3rd last night in Florida. As far as my last nights in Florida go, this one was rather mediocre. I think that going away celebrations lose their charm when you don’t actually go away. Therefore, my next going away party, if I get one, will be a “those bastards can’t get rid of me” party. I am sure that people will be more supportive of that one.
Anyways, on my last last night in Florida I was exploring local bars with a girl I have been dating. She just moved into a new apartment and wanted to find a place to shoot pool on the weekends. The first bar we went to was my favorite. It was called Las Katty’s and my first observations suggested that it might be a Hispanic bar (nothing but Salsa played on the jukebox, they only served Corona and everybody was Hispanic). When we walked in I approached the bar and ordered two Corona’s. The bartender promptly gave me two stacks of quarters…I guess for the jukebox? After reiterating that I actually wanted two CORONAS she started holding things up until I nodded at the Corona beer can. Finally she gave me two cans of Corona, some lime wedges and a really funny look. I think the funny look was free.

Our endeavors to play pool were even less successful. It turns out that putting down quarters is not good enough at Las Katty’s. In order to play pool you must also have a mustache. My companion was beside herself that they wouldn’t let her play. Every time she tried to get into a game they conveniently couldn’t understand what she wanted. I think that they were afraid to be beaten by a girl. I unfortunately do not have a mustache either so we were both out of luck with respect to pool. Fortunately we both like Corona in a can so we just kicked back and had many meaningful conversations with the only Spanglish person in the bar. Most of these conversations involved making fun of me for having taken Latin in high school instead of Spanish. And now, buenos noches. Im going to bed.

Yin is a Bitch and Yang Can't Hold His Liquor

2005-04-02T11:37:00.000-05:00

Piece of advice: Hold on to your yang

After about a month, my karma has finally gotten back on track. My yin and my yang are both getting along and life has been quite enjoyable. This was not the case for the several previous weeks.
About a month ago, I went to Foxwoods to play blackjack. Up to this point I had been doing moderately well in my gambling ventures. I would guess that I was up a couple thousand dollars between Vegas, Foxwoods, and friendly card games. I knew that at some point I was due to take a significant hit because, lets face it, when you gamble at a casino you are supposed to lose. But, on the other hand, who expects to lose or push nearly 20 hands of blackjack in a row. Yes, that’s right. I either lost or pushed nearly 20 hands of blackjack in a row…and I was completely sober. When did I accidentally dance on Mother Theresa’s grave? I mean come on, 20 hands is a lot. Anyways, I ended up losing $400 on that trip to Foxwoods. Then things got personal.
Shortly after that trip to Foxwoods I ended up back in Florida. Now whenever I am in Florida, I always end up playing Scrabble w/ my Aunt P and Uncle M. My Uncle M and I are both a little obsessive and we both hate to lose. So when I started drawing crappy tiles I decided that this whole karma thing had gotten out of control. I mean really, when there is trash talking involved, bad luck is just not acceptable. At some point you just have to go out and find out which bar your yang is boozing it up at and make him get your yin back under control. After looking all over West Palm Beach I finally found my yang hanging out at some hole in the wall bar last Saturday. It turns out that when I was sent back to Connecticut he stayed behind. Here is the conversation:

JPR: So. How have you been? Enjoying FL?
YANG: [belch]
JPR: You realize that not only have I lost $400 at Foxwoods but Uncle M has won the last 4 or 5 games of Scrabble. That’s way too much trash talking for me to handle. You really need to come back and get yin under control. She is pissing me off.
YANG: [eyes roll back and he hits the floor] thump!
JPR: Crap.

So that brings us to the present. Since enrolling my yang in AA, I have finally started drawing decent Scrabble tiles, cute girls are giving me the time of day and just the other night I won $100 playing poker. If I can somehow avoid accidentally dancing on peoples graves, things ought to be okay.

TV Is My Crack

2005-03-30T16:45:00.000-05:00

I am the TV. You are my friend.

TV is my crack and I just landed in the granddaddy of all crackhouses. Sometime around December I decided to go cold turkey on TV. I was moving out of my apartment and the giant 52 inch TV that I had been babysitting was returned to its proper home. This seemed like a good opportunity to make a break. OK. I know that many of you think that I am crazy but it really had become a problem. With the big TV in my living room, I could split the one big screen into two full sized screens. When channel surfing on both screens, that could easily mean 4 shows at once. I soon became stuck in a perpetual loop of dosing myself w/ bad movies, sitcoms, reality TV and even the occasional drama. At one point I sank so low I found myself drifting into the eerie glow of the Lifetime Channel. MY GOD MAN! THE LIFETIME CHANNEL! If the pictures moved I couldn’t get enough of it. Rather than cultivating social relationships, growing my brain or being active and healthy I just sat around all day, comatose and drooling on myself. So, when I moved and lost the TV I decided that it was time to go cold turkey. I am proud to say that it has been 3 months since I have watched bad TV…that is until this last week. Not too long ago I ended up back in Florida and, since my friend was away in California, I ended up crashing at his place. It’s a great apartment, in a great location, it has a great sound system and [dun dun dun] the big TV. Needless to say, I have had a relapse. On Friday my brain was so fried from mixing my reality TV shows with my made for TV movies that I actually tried to inject an RCA cable right from the TV into my brain. If you don’t see a post in the next couple of days, call for help. It might not be too late.

Is That A Wocket In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

2005-03-24T14:05:00.000-05:00

I think that they make antibiotics for this.

The other night at the bar (why is it that so many of the good stories start off this way?) I was approached by a random girl and heard the best pickup line ever. She looked me dead nuts in the eyes and said, "Is that a wocket in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" What does one say to that? Really, I want to know. Suggestions are welcome. I opted to go with, "Actually, its a sock."

Now before you judge me, remember that I had less than a second to think of a response. Also, remember that I am prone to blurting things out before the editor in my head can catch them. At least it was better than the response that I gave to the last "best pickup line ever."

[screen goes blurry...here it comes....FLASHBACK!]

There I am in England visiting friends and I am wearing an obnoxious bright yellow Cheerios shirt. I am not sober. OK, so that is the set up. While standing there minding my own business I am tapped on the shoulder. When I turn around it is a cute English girl and she just looks at me for a couple of seconds, I guess for added drama. Then, very matter of factly, she says, "Hmmm...I would eat you for breakfast." My response? I think that I just drooled on myself. I don't remember really. What I do know is that later that night, I ended up falling about 20 feet into a narrow hole and there was no cute English girl at the bottom of it. What happened to the first girl you ask? Well, evidently she doesn't like socks (and for the record, I have never had nor will I ever have, a sock in my pants).

2005-03-21T22:11:00.000-05:00

Subject pouring his 5th cup of coffee

Coffee Experiment #1: How Many Cups Does It Take For JPR To Spontaneously Combust

2005-03-21T22:10:00.000-05:00

I am bored. I am sitting here with absolutely nothing to do except babysit this hunk o’ metal (for any engineers reading this, we have yet to leave idle). For lack of anything better to do, I have decided to conduct an experiment in coffee drinking. What is the hypothesis you ask? Well let me tell you….hmmm. How’s this?
“After shit loads of coffee, jpr will no longer be bored”
We will start the experiment at 6:30 PM
Data Collection:

6:30 PM
Cups of Coffee: 0
Subject: Eyelids are a little heavy, legs are a little crampy from the gym today, definitely bored.
6:45 PM
Cups of Coffee: 1
Subject: Eyelids still heavy, legs still crampy, still bored.
7:00 PM
Cups of Coffee: 2
Subject: Awake. Only slightly less bored because now I have to pee.
7:30 PM
Cups of Coffee: 4
Subject: A litttle jittery/. I don’t think that I am all that bored right now. I think its because Im writing this though. I suppose that I will continue the experiment for the sake of science. Who knows? Maybe I will win a Nobel Prize. I have to pee agin.
8:00 PM
Cups of Coffee: 6
Subject: OH MY GOD! SOMEBODY SLIP ME A ROOFY, I NEEDf TO STOP VIBRATING!

Update: It is 9:45 and I think that I am crashing. I would not suggest doing this experiment for yourself. It is only entertaining until the alien pops out of your stomach. On the other hand, if you are bored….go ahead. In that case, succumb to the siren call of the Starbucks marketing machine and drink shit loads of coffee.
Here is the results summary and conclusion for this astoundingly professional and scientific experiment.

Results Summary:
The subject seemed to get edgy after the third cup of coffee, had to pee a lot and forgot about being bored very quickly once the alien popped out of his stomach.

Conclusion:
I need help

2005-03-18T17:01:00.000-05:00

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My Left Nipple is Braille for Bunny Rabbit

2005-03-18T16:21:00.000-05:00

St. Patricks Day is a good holiday. Tons of people come out to party, you are obligated to have a drink or two, and if you don't wear green lots of girls keep pinching your ass. That last bit, the pinching, leads to some interesting conversations. At one point, a girl decided to go for a nipple instead of my posterior just to mix things up a bit. Rather than saying ouch (which is the sensible thing to do) I blurted out, "You know...the bumps on that nipple are braille for bunny rabbit." I do not know why I said this, it just came out. Oddly enough she found this quite fascinating and proceeded to tell her friends that my left nipple was braille for bunny. They all were then compelled to check it out for themselves. Now, after questioning each of these girls I came to find out that none of them actually knew braille. In actuality they were all just trying to cop a feel. I had been violated. This, of course, was cause for a celebratory long island ice tea. Not a very Irish drink but keep in mind that I wasn't wearing green and don't really give a rabbits ass (Im cringing for you).
Before I close this post I feel obligated to answer the question that is surely sitting on its laurels in the back of your head, "Is his left nipple really braille for bunny rabbit?" The answer is, of course not. My left nipple is for the most part normal. Now as for my third nipple, thats another story...

2005-03-13T18:13:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Connecticut

Welcome Back to Connecticut OR Jason Goes to Purgatory

2005-03-13T13:51:00.000-05:00

It is official. I am in Purgatory. I have just left the land of perpetual sun and beautiful girls only to be swallowed whole by the depressing state of Connecticut. Here is the transition:
Thursday: Sunshine, 72 degrees, cute girls everywhere, an apt. near the intercoastal waterway and living on expenses.
Friday: Six inches of snow, it's #%?!&#@ freezing , there is 1 cute single girl surrounded by 12 guys, a tiny bedroom with a single bed, more snow and no expenses...this is crap.
Last night we decided to entertain ourselves at the Pig's Eye Pub. When we arrived, I immediately remembered CT's complete lack of any cute girls. After looking around the bar I used my calculator to count a total of one cute girl and she was surrounded by 12 guidos...this is crap.
Do I have a bad attitude about the whole thing? Perhaps. Am I being a little bit whiny? OK. Maybe you've got me there too. But that does not change the fact that this is a big stinky pile of ass crap. Sorry that there is nothing more amusing than "big stinky pile of ass crap" in this post but CT is far from inspiring...unless of course you include the novel of bitching and moaning that this state seems to inspire.
While I am stuck here I will count the number of complaints I hear about CT from other people. Starting yesterday, the count is 34. This number will be updated in each new post.
And with that, I am done...this is crap (the post I mean, by now I am sure that you already know about CT).

YUMI Sushi = The Best Sushi EVER!!!!

2005-03-07T10:14:00.000-05:00

I forgot to include this in my post last night because I was too sober. So, with apologies, I bring you this public service announcement now.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
I have eaten at many sushi restaurants in the past couple of decades and I have enjoyed many of them. Unfortunately for those restaurants, last nights experience has officially rendered them inadequate. I may eat at other locations but I will always be thinking about last night. At 6:09 PM on March 7, 2005 I started eating the sushi of the gods. It was so good that my taste buds passed out from the pleasure. This, by the way, is not a bad sensation until you realize that you are drooling all over yourself. Where is this place you ask? Well, since I am being deported to Tennessee and nobody actually reads this blog, I will tell you (Otherwise, be assured that I would keep this precious information to myself...I wouldn't want my favorite sushi establishment to get overcrowded)
.... ..... .... .... .... ....
YUMI Sushi is located in WPB, FL at the intersection of Military Trail and Community. This should be enough to find it. If you can't find it, then you probably don't deserve to eat there.

Karaoke and the Choir of Angels

2005-03-07T02:59:00.000-05:00

It is 3:00 AM and I just got back from a karaoke bar. I don't think I was any good but it was damn fun. I don't think anybody else thought I was any good either. Again, I still had fun. I sang(howled, croaked, belched...whatever) White Wedding by Billy Idol and Wonderwall by Oasis. Now before you judge me on my song selection, keep in mind that these were strategically chosen songs. It just so happens that these two songs consist of the only five notes that my very narrow vocal range can hit. I didn't sing these songs by preference but out of necessity. The end result? I still sounded like a retarded alligator with laryngitis at the height of mating season. If you have ever heard a horny alligator, you know that this is not pleasant. If you haven't heard a horny alligator then just trust me, it's not Elton John.

A Meat Coma Afternoon

2005-03-06T10:55:00.000-05:00

Sloth, Lust, Gluttony and the pig I tried to eat this afternoon.

There couldn't be a better picture for this post.

Today was a good day. I am pretty sure that I covered the best of the seven deadly sins. Lets see, gluttony, lust...gluttony, more lust, did I mention lust? I really like that one (I know because I took this test). I am not even sure what the other ones are. Envy? Who has the time for that crap? Anger. Ditto. Greed...ok, well this one is a weak point but its not as much fun as lust or gluttony. Vanity, again guilty sometimes but it's nowhere near as entertaining as gluttony or lust. It is really just a means to an end, namely lust. Lets see, there's one more. Oh yeah. Sloth. This is also a good one.....so where was I? Lets try this again.

Today was a good day. I covered my favorite four deadly sins: Gluttony, Lust, Sloth and Lust. We'll skip ahead to 2:00 in the afternoon when I finally got out of bed. Sloth=check! Then I proceeded to the West Palm Beach Pig Gig. This is an event that is dedicated to eating as much award winning pig flesh as is humanly possible. It is also dedicated to beer and funnel cakes. You can not go wrong with any of the aforementioned items (unless you are at a carnival and decide to get on the teacups of doom after eating all of the above). Anyways, after wandering around a few barbeque stands my friend and I selected the one with the shortest line and prepared ourselves to eat a whole pig. We were hoping that it might be like a lobster tank and that we might be able to pick out our pig but, alas, this was not so. That cute little pig out back got lucky because it was looking mighty tasty. Instead we had to settle for BBQ that had already been prepared. I elected to order the #7 "Kings Feast". My friend went for the #1 AND the #6...impressive. Several pounds of pig meat later my eyelids were getting heavy and I could quickly feel myself slipping into a meat coma. Gluttony=check! And with the coma on its way I had high hopes of another round of sloth. The rest of the afternoon is hazy. I would write more but I feel another round of sloth coming on. P.S. For those of you who might be wondering what happened to lust...you are pervs. Goodnight.

2005-03-04T23:19:00.000-05:00

Boy doing Neo-Pagan jumping jacks in the Neo-Pagan wheel of Neo-Paganism (I would have posted pics of vestal virgins but right now I am at work and I don't want to get fired).

Neo-Pagans, Vestal Virgins and One Kick Ass Fruit Salad.

2005-03-04T19:42:00.000-05:00

In my perpetual quest to not be bored I was checking out many of these new fangled "blogs." It turns out that if you find a few good ones they can provide hours of entertainment. They can also be quite educating. For example, I clicked on this link
belief-o-matic
and discovered that I am not really well suited to being Catholic. It turns out that I would be much better off as a Neo-Pagan. Well I have one thing to say to that: "Hell yeah, bring on the vestal virgins!!!!" Now I realize that this is probably the first thing that any guy says when he finds out that he is really a Neo-Pagan and I apologize for my complete lack of originality. However, can you blame me? You don't get a VIP invitation to the playboy mansion and then say, "Woohoo! I hear they make a great fruit salad!"
I think that I am going to start a Neo-Pagan sect the next chance I get. Ssshh. Don't tell mom.

2005-02-28T14:28:00.000-05:00

This is either a mugwump OR me after drinking a "seven sees"

Mugwump Juice

2005-02-28T14:23:00.000-05:00

The bartenders and the managers of Bradley's Saloon in WPB are evil. This is not exaggeration, I think the manager, David, might actually be Lucifer. The other night I showed up to have two beers with a friend and I explicitly told the bartender, "I am just having two beers; I have to wake up tomorrow." I was just there to be social.
The plan went well at first. I nursed a beer, chatted up friends and was having a generally good time. And then...[ominous music, lighting dims, plus any other "here comes the evil person" cliche you can think of]...David walks up to the bar and proceeds to inform us that we need shots. And not just any shots either. It turns out that it is absolutely imperative that he make us a shot called "The Seven Sees." This is essentially the first seven things that he sees behind the bar. Of course, when David makes this shot it is not really the first seven things that he sees, it is the first seven nasty, stomach wretching, horribly vile things that he sees. The end result is something rather unpleasant...think mugwump juice.
Now before you can lecture me about just saying no....I have to go to work.